Crabby. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my daughter went to bed pretty early last night and I was able to fall asleep about an hour after her. My back pain is letting up and it’s improving.

We go get breakfast this morning where my daughter tells some woman that I’m a single Mom and we have to leave because I have to get cigarettes. I’m so embarrassed. I get her in the car and tell her that I was really uncomfortable and I’m done buying fast food all the time. I’m really sick of yet again not getting the chance to wake up before racing out the door every single morning.

She’s going to a movie with her big in a couple of hours and then I plan to shower and put in a load of laundry. I’m so thankful she gets to go hang out at her program tomorrow and I’ll finally get a break after 9 days. I can’t believe how stressful things have been in the past few days and I was really worried about what we were going to do for another month. I know I’m sick of sitting here all the time and I know she is too so I’m glad she’ll get to go have fun with her friends and be getting out of the house again.

When all you do is spend your days looking after your kid, cooking, and cleaning it really starts to wear you down. I don’t even feel like a human a lot of the time. I’m so angry that this is my life. I put on my best smile and keep moving but this shit starts to get to me. I wish I could do more for my child and myself.

I’m pissed that I have to worry about people making effort for her birthday every year. There’s just so much of this that’s never going to change. I’m heartbroken for my child that she’s growing up watching other people just be shitty. It’s like pulling teeth to get people to care or make any kind of real effort and I’m just sick of it. I just tell my kid that we are going to make our own plans and not worry about other people being a part of her day. She understands but I do worry about how she feels on the inside. It’s just completely and utterly unfair.

Then her Dad telling her that he was planning at pool party for her really makes me heated. He’s never once planned a party and I can guarantee it wouldn’t happen even if we are on good terms. He’s attended one of her birthdays which was only to benefit himself because he took pictures of her just to post on Gofundme and get money for himself. I could care less about him seeing her for her birthday because it’s more to serve his own interests than anything else. I just don’t want anyone getting her hopes up on things that are more than likely not going to happen. He’s always been really good at saying he’s going to do this and that but never delivers.

It’s up to me and only me to make her day special, just like every holiday. I don’t have any help nor can I ever plan for people to show up for her. I think it’s bullshit that I’ve done it all by myself for 6 years and he still had the nerve to tell me to go ahead and end child support and let him be responsible. Yeah, because you’ve shown how responsible you are all along right? I think the fuck not bro! He’s going to be pretty pissed once he learns that not only am I not taking him off CS, but I’m asking for it to be increased. I doubt I’ll see a fucking dime regardless because he likes to work under the table and not keep jobs for too long.

He liked to tell me multiple times that he got a better paying job and it’s like well than you shouldn’t have a problem helping support your child then right? You’ve gotten another free pass for 2 years while I got to take care of her by myself. I’m just so over all of this shit that I could fucking puke. No one cares because it isn’t them. I know that I would NEVER leave him in the spot he’s left me because I do care about my child and I would care enough about his mental health as her parent and caregiver to do what I can to help make their situation decent. I wouldn’t ever consider putting my feelings and control above someone’s mental health when they are the sole provider of MY CHILD!

I think he’s gotten a lot of pleasure from my pain and has absolutely enjoyed knowing he’s helped make our situation shit. He’s going to hold on to whatever control he has and not care what that’s doing to my mental health or that my daughter is also suffering for it. I just hope that things end up going in my favor so that I can start to plan a life and I need that and so does my child. I’m angry that not only have I been stuck and have no choices but my child is just as caught up as I am. She didn’t ask for this. This shouldn’t be her load to carry. I just harbor so much guilt that there’s not more I can do because I’m only 1 person and there’s no support system for us.

More later.