Yet again! in Since OD is shutting down....

Apparently my brother is going to be dumping my niece off at her Grampa’s house for the night so my kid won’t get to see her. This happens pretty much every weekend. We just sit here by ourselves. She’s asked so nice all fucking day to hang out with her too. Every God damn weekend we just sit here by ourselves because no one cares if we have anything going on and how bored my kid gets.

I guarantee my brother would care a helluva lot more if he was in this situation. I know that he would NEVER put up with having his kid by himself every weekend. I could see him being desperate enough to give his kid to a fucking crackhead on the corner! He would be screaming from the fucking rooftops! There’s no way he would ever put up with never getting a break and not getting to live a little!

It’s still just so shocking after all these years that nothing has changed. It’s never going to get any better until I either start getting CS or I’m able to find a job within my daughter’s hours so I can fucking work. I just think it’s abuse for her ‘Dad’ to not be an active Father due to his own selfishness and control and not care that not only is he keeping me stuck, but he’s keeping our child stuck to.

How the fuck am I supposed to move forward with no support system? I’ve lived this since I learned I was pregnant and if I display anger than I’m just in the fucking wrong. I’m supposed to just accept this and never let it get to me. I didn’t even bother to message my brother back because he is just as bad as her deadbeat Dad by saying I have anger issues or ‘maybe next weekend’ and next weekend never happens.

I want to be more than a Mom. I should have some freedoms here. I have none. I love my daughter but I would like to be allowed to have time away to develop relationships with other people, to have hobbies, to have a job, and to just feel like I’m an actual human being. I’ve never had that in almost 7 years now. I’m sorry to say but this shit does get to me. Here we are, yet another Saturday night just hanging out at home by ourselves. It’s lonely. It’s depressing as fuck. I’m so angry that I don’t even know what the fuck to say anymore.

My daughter’s birthday is in less than a month and she’d like to have a party but there’s no one that’s going to make any effort to be there so we probably won’t have a party. I’m not going to spend a bunch of money and no one shows up. It’s the same thing every fucking year. It’s nice that they make so much effort for their daughter’s other cousins but it’s like pulling teeth to get them to give a shit about my kid! It’s not enough that her Dad doesn’t give a shit but they really don’t either!!

This doesn’t just suck for me, it sucks for my daughter and I’m really wrecked knowing she’s growing up like this. She’s learning that people just don’t care about her. No one makes the effort they should make and someday she’s going to completely understand it and question me and I have no idea what in the fuck I’m going to tell her. We didn’t have a party last year because my brother made me feel like a piece of shit saying that I was only going to be able to afford cheap pizza. Completely tore me down so I didn’t even bother.

I’ll probably just let her pick what she wants to do, where she wants to eat. Let her pick out her cake and ice cream and call it a day. I don’t plan to reach out to anyone and ask them to come over or anything because then it just creates false hope. I know if I ask my Mom she’ll offer for us to come to their house and I don’t want to fucking be there! So we’ll just do our own thing like we always fucking do. Last year she picked out her cake and we ate at Chili’s. My Mom came over for about 30 minutes and that was it. Didn’t hear from anyone else.

I’ve let my daughter know the plan and she’s totally okay with it. She said her Dad planned a party but I said we’ll see if it happens and if not it’s not a big deal and we’re gonna go on with the day and do our own thing. I’m not going to have my kid sitting around wondering if people are going to make effort when they probably won’t so we’re just going to do cake, ice cream and let her pick where she wants to get food. I’m not going to worry about other people and them potentially ruining the day.