Weekends. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter is bugging to see her cousin so hopefully I can make that happen. It’s getting pretty late in the evening. Ugh, weekends are just brutal. But I think her Dad works far away during the week and then tells the gf he’s gotta be here on weekends to spend time with her but then would tell me that he’s busy “working” like he’s already pulled so that’s another reason why I’m done dealing with him yet again. I’m going to save myself the anger by just not even trying to get him to ever put his kid first. It’s been nice not calling him out on all the lies he fed me in the month we had contact and not letting him push my buttons.

I’m sure he’s probably still thinking he’s going to see her for Father’s Day so he can look good but it’s just not going to happen. It’s not fair all the times he’s left me high and dry when I actually NEEDED him to help with her so I don’t really agree that he should just get her at his discretion. I’m tired of the bullshit where he says he doesn’t see her unless he plays by my rules but I’ve never had any. Not once have I ever put down stipulations or a schedule for him and there’s no point because it wouldn’t work out anyway because the dude runs on his own schedule and wouldn’t follow by my ‘rules’ anyways.

I think I showed really good composure by not mentioning all the lies he told in the month we had contact and not once did I display anger, frustration, or hostility and I’m sure he was fucking fuming. I just took it all in stride and once I couldn’t take any more of the bullshit, I just quietly made my exit. I will not let this guy ever get another reaction from me. That’s all he’s ever wanted and I won’t let him have that anymore.

Tough to admit but the guy does still get to me because he gets to have all the freedom in the world and I have everything resting on me. I’m angry to see him getting to have relationships with other people and I don’t. I see him getting to work and make money without even a thought of his child. He gets to just live his life completely in the clear while I get to be Mom and Dad every single day. The shit does still get to me but I don’t talk about it much like I used to. I understand that my side of the story doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m just going to pray for a really good outcome with the modification. I believe that I deserve some peace after all these years. I just want to be in a good place to get my life together. I miss where I used to be with everything. I miss having confidence. Money in the bank. I owned 3 cars. I didn’t have to worry about money like I do now. I do like how well I see my life though. I like what I’ve gained mentally and no one will ever take that from me again. I understand you gotta go through hell to get to heaven.

I just hope that I’ll find a good guy one day. Someone that’s good for not only me, but my daughter as well. I’d like to have someone to spend the holidays with and never have to worry about not having someone on New Years. I want to someone to dance with in the rain and that actually loves me back for the right reasons.