Shame in Current Events

Since I’ve been turning my latest entries to private I might as well be real and raw with myself here.

Today I woke up feeling somewhat ambitious. I was thrown for a loop when I realized that my roommate is not working today. It’s been this way most of the week. I’m not sure what is going on but that isn’t my business. I’m only human and I can be selfish. I feel jaded that she is home. I feel smothered by her presence even though she is making her presence as small as possible. The tension is thicker than ever since our talk.

The plan was to shower, shit and shave. Then create content for the socials. Actually, I was going to do a chest workout first. That would have used up all of my energy, let’s be honest. To top off energy-draining I would have [Censored] after my workout. I cannot seem to quit NoFap.

I at least mustered up the courage to look online at job postings. That is when it hits me that I don’t actually want to do any of it. I don’t feel qualified enough and I don’t care about the work. Interviewing for Ka Ni Kanichihk made me see the light. Even though I did not get hired I got a taste of what it could potentially feel like to do something that makes a difference. There are underlying issues that I seem to have with those job postings as well. All of which are lame. I feel too good for a lot of it. As in I would feel embarrassed to do it. Beggers can’t be choosers.

What do I want to do? I want to create my own opportunities. I can make my hustles online. I haven’t been able to apply myself. I can write eBooks. I can monetize content. I can do podcasts. The world wide web is my oyster. I have the time. I can afford to take risks right now. Just like the kids who graduating right now, they are the luckiest people alive. They don’t have marriages, inlaws, kids, debts, or anything holding them back. They can afford to take those big risks. Life hasn’t crushed their dreams yet. I need to figure my shit out already. However, it would be awesome if Ka Ni Kanichihk called me out of the blue and offered me a position. There are also other options at my workplace. Nothing feels right.

I think I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I am tired of not getting calls when I apply for work. I’m tired of shitty bosses. Shitty coworkers. I can leave the workforce like Michelle did and support myself through the wild wild web. I feel like I have decision paralysis. Am I a Libra?! Do I do it for somebody else or do it for myself? That is my heavy decision. I can even balance both at the moment.

I’m just tired of feeling my own dead weight. It hit me again today. My arms even fell asleep because I wasn’t even shifting my weight. I just lay there as though I was deceased. I usually nap it off but I managed to feel it randomly lift. I need it to stop.

Then what about my schooling? I want a doctorate in Naturopathy. I started that ball last year after decades of whining about it. My biggest fear was going back to school. My social anxiety was my biggest hurdle there. I did it! I didn’t want to take time off so I signed up for that physics class which I dropped out of. My math skills were not adequate. I want to work on that. Now my biggest fear is that the medical mandates will return and pull the rug out from under me again. I need about 7 years to get that doctorate. Their agenda is for 2030. Even institutions that were teaching terrain theory mandated vaccines. Like what?! We don’t do germ theory.

There is just too much push and pull under the surface. It is paralytic to my consciousness. I feel like I need a big push. This is when I wish I had a spouse or partner. Somebody who knows how to operate me when I cannot. I was thinking about my friend Kyle yesterday. I never imagined us together until our last walk. He’s starting new things in his life which is my kink. He has a Cancer sun, Taurus moon, Libra rising. Like, come on. I’m a Capricorn sun, Scorpio moon, Taurus rising. We have synastry right there.

Maybe I’ll just leave this embarrassing entry public. Take the shame bitch!