Mail. in Since OD is shutting down....

I checked the mail and received a good letter stating I’ll get help with my electric bill starting in October which is really good news. I’m happy to hear it. I’m still waiting to hear about CS and jury duty though. I’ve mailed all these at the same time about 2 weeks ago so I’m hoping that I’ll get some more good news tomorrow or shortly after. I just hate waiting. My patience starts to run thin with shit because my anxiety just consumes me.

With the CS modification, I have no doubt it will get raised but if he’s working under the table, I still won’t see a fucking dime. He’s no disabled or a veteran so I know it’s gonna go up but I’m just going to hope and pray he’s working a legit job or I’m still screwed. I just think it’s bullshit that he didn’t pay for 2 years and still may not have to. It’s put me in a serious bind because all the daycares here have waiting lists and there’s no where else I could afford unless he’s starts contributing.

I’m just going to hope this is the last Summer I have to worry about not having childcare. She didn’t get a spot in the Summer program through her school but it started yesterday and the lady that runs it said she would look at the numbers in a week and let me know if they might have room for her so I’m still holding on to that. I plan to try and get her into that other program in a month after she turns 6 as well. According to my brother they have hundreds of spots so it shouldn’t be an issue but I won’t know until the time comes.

I just feel bad because she’s gone from having school and being around other kids everyday to just being at home with Mom. She asked me this morning why her cousin gets to go and she doesn’t so I had to explain that she’s just not old enough but I’m going to try and put her in after she turns 6. It’s just hard when they still aren’t quite old enough for certain things but after this Summer, we won’t have that worry anymore. I just wish that childcare wasn’t so expensive and so many daycares are just about the money and not making an actual connection with your child or really care about their safety and wellbeing, they are just worried about their fucking paycheck.

There’s teenage girls that are always wanting to babysit but want astronomical amounts of money and I don’t really feel comfortable with that because of their age and lack of experience. I also don’t like knowing that they wouldn’t be held accountable if anything happened due to their age. I could just imagine having a teen girl watch my kid, something goes wrong and then I go on Facebook to warn others and they turn it around on me saying that I made the choice to have an underage person watch my kid. No thanks. There’s just too much that can go wrong. It’s just too much of a liability.

I’m really praying hard that I will starting seeing some CS so I could find a really cool person to watch my kid so that I could at least Doordash on weekends because then I’d be able to make some money and my daughter would be getting out of the house and have something to do. CS said they were going to keep the wage withholding on just in case I may see another payment so I don’t know if that means I’ll have to wait and see about the next one or what.

This whole ‘wait and see’ thing is really getting played out. I’m supposed to wait and see if he’s going to be a Dad or contribute financially. I have learned that it’s time to accept that I’m a single Mom and that’s not going to change. My side of the story never mattered. My pain is mine alone and I have to find a way to deal with it so I can let it go. What happened is water under the bridge. I made this child by myself and it’s up to me to make shit happen whether he ever steps up or not.

My daughter is currently bugging to go somewhere. It’s just so freakin hot outside. She’s had a bath and it’s nice and cool inside. I just want to hang out at home today. I’m never in a hurry to go out in the heat. We have several more months of this and I’m already tired of it. I like having days just being at home. I spent years constantly in a hurry and never getting a moment to just breathe so I would like to be able to do that sometimes.

I’m very upset that I’m in the predicament like this. It makes me furious that he just doesn’t think he should have to help at all. I get to figure out how to keep her busy everyday while he gets to do whatever he wants. It’s been like this her whole life so he just doesn’t think it should have to change. He hasn’t paid CS in 2 years. Where does he think that hasn’t affected my life? It doesn’t affect hers because I make sure that she comes first unlike him. All of this really sucks but I really do hope that it’s going to get better. Soon.