Last night. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter and I were laying in bed last night and before she fell asleep, she was telling me that she hates her Dad and that she didn’t enjoy spending time with him. I guess there was an incident where the gf was asking him to buy her deodorant and I guess he really smelled her armpit?! She’s told me this story before but I didn’t think much of it until she brought it up again last night. She also said that she thinks he hates me. Apparently my weight had been mentioned a bunch of times too.

I just hope the new bitch is taking notes. She’s also plus size and weighs even more than I do so it’s like if he can talk about his child’s Mother like this, how does she think he’s going to end up treating her?! This type of shit is abuse and it’s parental alienation. My daughter is telling me that she doesn’t want to hang out with her Dad again and that things made her uncomfortable.

So again, I can decide to either be a single Mom or a single Mom with a fucking headache. My daughter said that I don’t say anything bad about anyone so she doesn’t understand why he says mean things about me. It just puts me in a really tough spot that he’s like this because I don’t know what to say without saying too much. I just told her sometimes people just don’t think before they speak and we don’t want to say anything mean about anyone.

My weight is MY concern. It doesn’t affect anyone but me. I also have had several health issues over the years that have contributed to me putting on weight and I’m the one that has to work hard to get it off. The constant deal of being torn down by this person is the reason why I’ve had very minimal contact in the past 7 years. I have plenty that I need to deal with and I don’t need anyone adding more stress to my life.

I hate the way I look. I hate buying clothes. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I can’t stand seeing the numbers on the scale. The main thing about myself I’d like to change is my weight and constantly hearing about someone talks about it all the time really wears on me. I was 353 pounds 10 years ago. I was on depo for about 8 years non stop which helped me put on weight and it also flucuates because I’m diabetic. I have a lot to work on but I don’t need anyone making me feel even worse. I have no self confidence whatsoever.

Constantly feeling like I’m just inviting a headache into our lives is a really awful feeling. They say a child needs their Dad but I think they have a different definition of Dad than I do. This person isn’t a Dad in any sense and never will be. I always feel so much relief by blocking him that I can’t even describe it. He’s never done anything positive for me or my child and I feel that it’s detrimental by inviting him into our lives. I can’t handle the lies, the inconsistency or the abuse any more.

My appointment is tomorrow afternoon. I’m a bit nervous and ready to get it over with. This is the last one and hopefully it works because I can’t do surgery because there’s no one to take care of my child. I just hope for the best. Just going to be so relieved once it’s over with.