30/110 in Current Events

I took my grandmother grocery shopping yesterday. It was not that eventful except I did see someone I found jaw-dropping gorgeous. It is rare with my impossibly high standards. He was giving an older and more fit Max Oliver from the old E4 drama Skins. He was a bleached blonde, with broad shoulders and a tiny waist. I was invisible. It is bittersweet. He was only my type because of his style, apparently. Made me feel like I was 20 again. I was inspired to train harder when I exercise. Not because I am invisible but because his physique was just inspiring. Of course, he was short at 5‘10 and that is the secret to getting ripped. Be short and in your 20s. I’m 6‘1. The osteopath I am going to start seeing says that I will be an inch taller once he starts working on my spine.

I remembered what the side effect was to using ashwagandha powder. It is recommended to be cycled in and out because it will leave you feeling dead inside. That is exactly what my problem has been. Lately, I can feel my own dead weight. It’s one part financially induced depression but this adaptogenic might not be helping in that department. I can’t even get music to stir up my insides. I already have a motivation problem. It is almost used up so I will just not replace it.

I took a nap after my mini-shift today and now I don’t have any energy. I miss coffee sometimes.

My mother won tickets to a baseball game and asked me if I wanted to join her and bring a friend. Bev and I will be joining her. My friends are also trying to get together to plan our camping trip next month. I suggested a beach day and as always, it was shot down. Carly was up for it so I suggested that we just go. She’s a skinny legend like myself and does active stuff. I wrote an entry-winning about everybody else my age who can’t run, can’t shit and can’t breathe who can never do anything that I want to do. Then I remembered that Carly was the exception. My roommate is as well but… you know.

I am trying not to complain about our weather here because I had spent so much time complaining about the cold just a month ago. It has been almost 40c with the Humidex for almost two weeks now. I am not built for this heat. I tried to go for a run yesterday but it was just too hot. What I want to do is get a tan. I don’t have the self-esteem and confidence to run around without a shirt on. I can disappear in the crowd at the beach.

There isn’t much going on at this second, I suppose. There is plenty that I should do but I just don’t have the energy. Energy isn’t the right word here but I don’t know what else to use. I was watching a random moment from a Brene Brown interview where she talked about relationships not being 50/50. Some days she will tell her husband I only got 20 in me today. He will say I will that that extra 30 for you. Whatever THAT is… that’s what I am talking about. I’m at 30 when I want to be at 110. It’s times like these that I wish I had a partner to help pick up the slack.

There is a scene at the beginning of the movie Practical Magic where a young witch conjures the impossible man so that he will never come and she will never have to fall in love. I feel like I am trying to conjure up the same. Hecate, I need a tall, sleek and sexy Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon & Scorpio Rising. Someone with their shit together that is everything that I wish to be.

Anyway, I am going to go thrifting in my area. I don’t have much summer clothes.