Depressed. in Since OD is shutting down....

I just need to figure out a game plan and make it happen. It’s just depressing being where I’m at but until I make the steps to change it, it’s going to stay the same. Everyone is completely unhelpful and just doesn’t have any regard for my or my child. My brother tells me last night how he deserves a break and it’s like I don’t?! I’ve been raising a child by myself for almost 6 years now!

I’m just trying to get to my next ablation appointment on Friday and then figure out what I’m going to do because my daughter and I can’t just sit here day in and day out. I may apply for TANF again and at least do that until school starts. I’m not sure how things will go next year because there’s no promise that she’ll get a spot in the after school program and if she doesn’t, then my schedule will be limited to just within school hours which isn’t easy finding a job in those hours but I’ll do what I can to find something.

I have filed my appeal with disability which was quite a while ago and still haven’t heard anything. I’m pissed that I missed my appointments last year due to having no sitter and now I don’t know how long it’s going to take to try and hear something from that. Again, the lack of help has really created serious problems for us.

Since it makes me so angry and depressed having anything to do with him, I decided to block him yet again. I’d rather just block him and give him silence because as soon as I react then I’m told I have anger issues. I just don’t get anywhere with this and I don’t want to be brought down any further than I am. It’s better for everyone for me to just be silent and try to figure shit out on my own then for me to get angry and pop off.

I’m going to try really hard to not let anything get to me to the point where I start to question my sanity and go off the deep end because it’s not going to help. This is my life and I have to figure out how to deal with everything. I get tired of not having a support system but that’s not going to change and I have to be my own best friend.

God gives his hardest lessons to his toughest soldiers and I have to just keep rising above and make the best of everything. Sitting around angry isn’t helping me and I need to try to stay as positive as I can. I know that I’m feeling pretty down in the dumps but life goes on and I have to figure out how to keep going.

It just sucks when you think about how much money controls you. It sucks that everything is so expensive and when you don’t have a 2 person income, your choices tend to really blow. I just need to get a job and get back to where I used to be.

I’ve since showered and feel a bit better. I just can’t let myself get too far down because my daughter is depending on me. I’ve let the actions of other people destroy me before and I can’t waste any more energy being upset. This is my life, my reality and I just need to figure out what to do.

It’s just hard when I have no support. No encouragement from anyone and I have to figure out how to keep going. It’s also bullshit for him to want to take her but pretty much plan to pawn her off on his girlfriend. I don’t get to do that. It’s me to take care of her every single day. I also don’t want to have to try and explain to her that he probably won’t end up taking her again. I’m not comfortable with her going because of Father’s Day when he’s never been one. There’s just too much crap surrounding it.

I also don’t like the control aspect either. This guy has never been there for us in any sense but if I don’t do what he wants then I’m threatened. Um, no. Until there’s a court order it’s always going to be like this. I’d rather we go to court and him establish parenting time and then when he continuously forfeits his time with her then that’s on him. I am very angry at how reasonable I’ve always been and I just get kicked in the fucking face for it.