Furious. in Since OD is shutting down....

He called and talked to her. He managed to be demeaning yet again by criticizing my fucking couch and saying it smelled like pee. I don’t know what the fuck that has to do with him talking to my child but just anything he can say to cut me down. While he was talking to her, I messaged him from my phone and asked if he was going to be awesome and send me some funds to help me pay for the sitter because I’m short. He said he thought I was working and, “I’ll see what I can do” which means no he’s not going to help me out.

This is absolutely maddening. I would love to understand where the fuck these deadbeats get off. He’s spent more than half her life not working and getting to live a carefree life while I spent years working my ass off paying thousands of dollars in childcare. He’s never had to juggle daycare and a job or worry about a sitter so he could have a night out or take care of a sick child throwing up at night or care what it’s been like for me as her caretaker or for her to grow up in a single parent household.

I just want to understand how you can create a child with someone and walk away feeling you shouldn’t have to contribute a motherfucking thing. Then they can’t figure out why the fuck women are scorned!!

So for me to work or even have a side hustle, I need money to pay a fucking sitter. I don’t have the money and I need him to either give it to me or starting paying fucking CS consistently. I am so fucking sick of everyone around me talking about going to work and getting a paycheck while I sit here wondering if I’ll ever get to do that again. I want to be able to buy a house one day. I want to buy a new car one day. I want to be able to buy school clothes and not worry about having to buy them second hand.

I want to start living a life again. I know I’m in a good place mentally but all of this has drug me down over the years to the point where I haven’t taken better care of myself physically and that’s why I’ve had my diabetes out of control, my back problems have progressed, and I have an enlarged liver. I haven’t been kind to my body and haven’t been able to take care of things because I don’t always have a fucking sitter to get myself to appointments because you can’t always take kids with you to stuff.

Even today, we took her with us to go see my Gramma’s grave and I was getting annoyed because I have to hold back so many emotions all the time because she doesn’t need to see me getting emotional. I bury so much and sometimes I wonder what it could be doing to me not only mentally but physically. He has no fucking idea what it’s like never being able to rely on him. I’ve spent years trying to be okay and for the most part I am but even now, any contact with him is still pretty fucking draining and a constant reminder why I’ve had very little contact all these years.

I understand why women hinder visitation over CS. I don’t agree nor do I ever plan to do it but it absolutely makes you livid that you have to figure it out and they don’t. Where does he think that I should just continue to pay for everything by myself?! I can’t. I have tried to do it all on my own and I have failed miserably. I also resent the fact that I can’t just come right out and tell him that I don’t work because there’s no babysitter as my family doesn’t help and I don’t have any friends because then I’d be accused of ‘living off his child support’ like he’s said in the past.

My situation is as bad as it could be and I really don’t see a way out until he starts paying. I don’t have a way to make it happen without him contributing. I hate that I’m in this spot because I wasn’t for a very long time but life is expensive and I can’t make it happen until I’m able to pay a sitter and start working.