The game. in Since OD is shutting down....

So yeah, I couldn’t sleep for shit last night. I was just too wound up and the cats were fighting. The one that I got spayed the other day shit in the kitchen so I had to clean that up at midnight. It’s like 11am and I’m just now starting to feel woke up. I took a Melatonin and it still didn’t help me go to sleep but made me super groggy today so I won’t make the mistake of taking that shit again.

But yeah, this deal where he’s only ever wanted her to put on a show for other people and to control me has to stop and it won’t without a court order. Until there’s actual structure to our situation, it’s never going to change. You can only play the game of fuck fuck so long until you realize that the guy just wants to impede on your life and your time and not care that it’s putting your and your child out. He doesn’t care that she’s tired after getting up early and being at school all day, he just likes knowing it’s a school night and I’m home waiting for her. He’s not trying to take her on a weekend because then I’d like that and would be able to go out and have a little bit of a life.

I talked to my friend this morning and was telling her why I get how Mom’s reach the point of only letting the Dad’s see the kids when THEY decide. I’m not saying it’s right or that I agree with it, but I completely understand it. After all the shit I’ve put up with where he’s only ever taken her on his terms and made me out to be this asshole where I’ve only ever let him see her when I chose to when he’s decided to be a piece of shit absent Dad all along, is over. I don’t plan to let him see her again until we end up in court.

This thing of him just wanting to control me isn’t going to continue. This bullshit where he’s never cared about being a Dad and has always talked about signing over his rights to now where if he doesn’t get his way, he makes threats is complete and utter bullshit. It’s just a double edged sword where if he’s not around I’m a single Mom and if there is any contact with him I’m a single Mom but with a gigantic headache. I feel like all he’s wanting is to manipulate the situation as far as he can.

I seriously hate him. I am so sorry for ever reaching out a month ago. Life is so miserable trying to be reasonable because it’s like you give an inch and the guy expects 10 fucking miles! I also don’t think it’s fair how there’s absolutely no contact unless he’s seeing her. He doesn’t think it’s important to even call every few days to just say hi to her. He just dips off the face of the fucking Earth! Where would you ever feel that it’s okay to be like this with your own child? Just come in and out when you want and not care the rest of the time?

I want my kid to see her Dad but I don’t agree with how it’s as unfair to me as he can make it. He still sees her as an option and a weapon to use as a control tactic for me. It’s like being a single Mom isn’t restrictive enough and then if he’s involved, I’m more controlled because she goes with him for a couple of hours and I have to be on stand by because he can’t take her more than that because of his selfishness.

I don’t agree with how I’m to allow him to see her at HIS convenience and never at my own? I’m tired of him thinking that this should be all his own way. I’m pretty sure I should be allowed some freedom as well and I’ve never had any. It’s been almost 6 years now. I’m angry at how no one around me thinks that I’m deserving of a break and my daughter isn’t deserving of one either. It’s like he’s absolutely terrified that I’d get to go out and live a little and that’s why he’s made sure to either not be a Dad or just be one on his fucking terms.