Internal Melodrama in Current Events

Melodrama: aTom Production
Depression attack hit me out of nowhere. I woke up from my nap and before I knew it I could feel its crushing weight. There is nothing weighing on my mind or weighing on my heart that I am conscious of. I just feel heavy from the inside. As though I am a collapsing star. All hope and all dreams are being crushed. My mind has become toxic radiation that poisons every thought to death.
-End Scene

I’m sitting on my balcony watching the rain. It would be peaceful if it wasn’t for the noise pollution coming from the traffic and the road work being done on my street. I don’t know what to think or feel right now. I knew I was going to crash from my busy week last week. Even resting is productive, I suppose. In my wonder lust I was thinking about how we need rest days when we strengthen muscle so we must need rest days when we strengthen our minds.

I feel ready to give up on astrology. It could be the bad mood talking but these current transits feel like propaganda. Nothing positive can reach me. I learned that having a North Node in your 12th house is just more trouble and struggle. That’s all my chart is and that’s all my life has been. Whenever I am able to stand on my own two feet something pulls the rug from under me. Every.Single.Time. Especially over the last several years.

Astrology says that it’s supposed to be raining opportunity and abundance for me and I’m like Bitch! Where!? I can’t even imagine something positive happening in my life. Like, what would that look like? What does that feel like? What does having financial freedom and security feel like? What’s it like to wake up and have all your immediate needs met? What’s it like to go for something that you want and have no friction? Why do I sound like an angsty little emo mad at the world!? The world hates me and the feeling is mutual.

I’m the strongest I’ve ever been though. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I’m not one to lobotomize myself with toxic positivity but at least this much is true. Doesn’t feel true at this second. I’m not strong enough, I have a long more ways to go. What am I even doing with my life!? Man, nothing was able to break my stride last week. I want that feeling back.

I think this crushing weight is disappointment. Maybe it’s because Pluto is back in Aquarius today and Capricorn gets to be shit on again. I feel disappointed about a lot of my efforts to improve my circumstances. Things aren’t going my way. I want what I want when I want it. I currently feel disappointed in myself because I feel like I am not being productive enough today. Just in general. I’m also being a public embarrassment here on PB. It’s international Little Bitch day…

I think I just need to eat my feelings today. Emotions are horrible guides, they’re all over the place. This is why I prefer to spend time in my head and not in my feels. I’ll just listen to sad songs this evening and purge these feelings and then go supernova on tomorrow.