In the feels in 2023 the year I recover

The last couple days I’ve been in a mood. Maybe it’s the time of year. I’ve never really thought this month was a hard month for me, but maybe it is. There is only one negative thing I can for sure say happened around this time of year.

Three years ago I lost a dog around this time of year. I don’t know that is was so much that I lost her but maybe the feeling around that. I was married at the time and I felt like I was going through it all alone. I never got a hug saying I’m here for you. Never got any help with what I had to do. She was his dog for heaven sake. I fed her, forcefully sometimes. I emptied her bladder every few hours. I thought I had time with her. But I didn’t. They say she had a stroke. She was only 3 years old. I remember calling him when I was at the vets office not to come home but she was gone. I sat in that room alone with my dog wrapped up in a blanket, dead. I went home and had to be strong for my kids. Never anyone asking how I was.

But that is my life. No one asks me how I am doing. I could be emotionally devistated but no one will say how are you? Whatever.

So anyway I’ve been kinda down the last couple of days. I just want him to hug me. To be there for me. Yes, we were together before but we are new this time. Things are different. I feel like he doesn’t have time for me. He sees that as ok, I don’t. He doesn’t even text me just to say hi. Before we relied on my income for everything so when I picked him up and he said I had to pay it gave me flash backs. I am still recovering financially from that. Then it’s like ok then can we do this, thinking that has to be cheaper, nope. He needs a case for his phone, he wants the $60 or $100 case. No. I can’t do that. I wont do that. I just paid off your other phone, over $200 for that and you want me to spend this. Nope. Sorry. I told him I hate saying no and keeping with it because I am afraid he will use that to decide to not be with me. We are at different points in life. I mean we are but… learn to live with this. You want to learn about money and this is a lesson, if you don’t have the money either wait or buy cheaper until you can afford the more expensive thing. I haven’t heard from him since I said I couldn’t do that if he couldn’t pay it all back to me like asap. He’s mad. I’m sure. Maybe we really aren’t meant to be back together. Maybe we don’t have that future I see for us.

We were talking about my mood and he’s like are you pregnant? Umm my tubes are tied so very unlikely. I mean, I guess it is possible. Just not likely. It would be scary if I was. The thing is I want to get my tubal reversed so we can have a baby together, but that is a much safer route than this. No, I’m pretty sure that is not even close to an option. I’m just… going through something.

I’ve been lonely. I can feel that. I need someone to want to spend time with me. I need someone to make time for me. I need to feel important. I just need…

I’ve decided something in regards to my schooling. I’m going through with it due to the fact I would have to pay back that loan no matter what. But I plan on staying where I am, maybe going part time in the future to focus more on my dogs. I still want to fix the house up and sell it. That still involves a trailer to live in. May be with him or without, I can do it either way.

I was supposed to go sleep at his house tonight. I haven’t heard from him yet. I don’t expect I will. I’m supposed to go to a bbq at his place tomorrow. Doubt I’ll hear from him so doubt I will go. This isn’t how I should be treated.