The weekend. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I got her from school and fed her Taco Bell for dinner so she could go to my brother’s for a couple of hours. We talked about how my Mom is supposed to get all of my uncle’s stuff once he passes away and how my Dad thinks he’s going to have first dibs on everything. My brother is definitely worked up about all of this. I just don’t really care because I never get anything when anyone dies so I’m just like whatever.

The kids played in the mud so I had to hose off my daughter’s flip flops and give her a bath. She actually slept in until about an hour ago and ate her breakfast because I told her if she didn’t, she wasn’t gonna go with her big sister tomorrow. I get tired of watching her waste actual meals and then want to dive right into eating snacks all day.

I’m annoyed at how we haven’t heard from her Dad since Wednesday. I would love to know how he thinks seeing her once a week for about 3 hours is parenting. Sometimes I really question if letting him see her at all is a good idea. I just think it’s bullshit that I can’t ever get ahold of him and ask if he could help with her if I had stuff to do or if I just needed a break because he’s busy sleeping all day and doing his own thing. All I know is by letting him see her then I can’t be blamed for him not being around.

He’s literally just a fun uncle, like a big brother. I guess it’s good that she gets to have fun memories with him but as a Mom, it’s not fair that I have to carry the mental load and not be able to work because I can’t rely on him or anyone else. My anxiety is starting to peak because after next week, there’s no childcare. I have my eye exam at noon and by the grace of God, my brother said he’ll take her so I can get that done today.

It’s just crazy how there’s so many of these situations where one parent actually has to grow up and be responsible and the other parent doesn’t. My daughter is going to be 6 in a month and I’ve done it all by myself this entire time. He likes to talk about the trauma I’ve put him through with zero regard for what it’s been like for me to raise a child by myself all these years. I don’t even know what it’s like to have a social life and yet, he still sees me as the fucking bad guy. I’ve sacrificed everything, down to my body while all he’s done is sacrifice a little bit of time and some money.

There’s so much more to having a child than what he’s able to provide but she’s going to grow up seeing him for what he is and I’m not going to hinder that whatsoever. It’s just frustrating that I have never been able to count on him for anything and he doesn’t think that’s traumatizing? I’m on my fucking own every single day of my life and he still doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. Then, he goes and quits his fucking job yet again. After not working for 2 years.