Ninja Vegetables. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I woke up kind of groggy this morning. 8:30? Seemed reasonable time to get up, given that I went to bed around 1 AM. My bad. The cats were stirring, though I'm good at ignoring them. Except when Kira gets very vocal. Or decides to land DIRECTLY ON MY BALLS. I swear she does that on purpose. I've had depressing mornings where I didn't want to get out of bed. This was just fatigue. I coughed, and the reminder that I was still sick was there.

Had some earl grey tea, somehow forgetting breakfast. I set a timetable for getting on campus for my second job. Which I somehow managed to blow past entirely. I got a little TOO absorbed in writing my establishing entry for here, and it was around 11:30 when I finished. No, later. Had to be past noon. That didn't leave me enough time to shit, shower, and eat before leaving. So I decided to take yet another day off and hope I don't get fired. This campus job is a joke anyway, I'm only hurting myself by a few bucks. I know, I know, don't be bad, but it's been a really shitty semester. Screw the judgements.

Saw I'd have around two hours before I'd need to leave, so I decided to eat a (unhealthy, ha ha) caesar salad and watch something on netflix. I settled upon Mystery Men, a movie I've been meaning to watch for, what, fourteen years now? Great background noise. Took the shower I needed, took some questionable selfies. I don't really post pictures like that anymore. I used to do it for some sort of positive feedback, I get it, but there's little satisfaction in it now. I'm on fetlife, and anything I post is pretty much straight-up graphic, as that's what gets attention. What can I say, gay men love me. Oh sure, the occasional girl will comment, but those gay men will slather me with attention. I'm such a tease. Fetlife satisfies the exhibitionist itch, though I don't even log in daily anymore, nor do I post pictures with any frequency.

Being a half hour late for class seems like nothing when there was still two more hours left. God, I've always hated night classes. I always have difficulty staying awake. Only thing worse is afternoon classes. I am a ZOMBIE in the afternoon unless I've had a nap. Right as I got out of my car to walk to class, I realized I had a SPLITTING HEADACHE. BOO.

The headache was still there when class ended, so studying was out. I was also hungry so I searched my head for what I was craving. I had already planned to make myself a taco salad for lunch tomorrow, so mexican was on the brain. I figured On The Border was on the way. I contemplating going "alone", then decided I should do it precisely because it makes you a loser, ha ha. Then I realized that Angie DOES live nearby. She replied that she was just sitting down to dinner. So I got to driving and remembered: Ew, headache means loud noises will make me a Sad Timmy.

Fish sticks with tartar sauce and stuffing with ninja vegetables. "What are ninja vegetables?" Why, thank you for asking! I like sneaking mixed vegetables into my stuffing, as I hate vegetables but know they're good for me, and this is one of the only ways I'll eat them. (The other way is slathering them in cheese and/or sour cream.)

Wow, what a dry entry.

Demotivation aside, my spirits have been pretty good. I have a mild plan for tomorrow morning to combat the lethargy. Hit the gym, and then TAKE A NAP. Because I'm old, and naps make me feel like a million bucks. Either tonight or tomorrow I'll touch base with Candi and see how she's doing. I could still stand to have some time away from her, but all of her stuff IS here.

How do I feel about her? I kind of want to read things from a year ago to around april, because those WERE good times. I remember feeling so goddamned secure and happy, despite all the stress. I was WINNING the battle of stress, and I felt safe with her. Right now, I'm losing the battle of stress, and pulling away from her. I'm feeling distrustful and anxious around her, making it impossible to be vulnerable.

What IS love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

How IS one supposed to feel in a long-term relationship? I know there are bumps along the way, but something here doesn't feel right.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. All I know is that I promised myself I wouldn't press the eject button, and I would see this through, to the bitter end. Because the good has always outweighed the bad. I know things look really bad now. But when one is sad, it's impossible to see the good sometimes, to feel the good. Goldfish Syndrome. Time. Time will tell the tale.