Just an all-around bad day in A day in the life...

I guess we all have those. Today was worse than usual for me. I couldn't stop thinking about the weekend I helped ruin for a lot of people. All day I felt like I wanted, I NEEDED, to cry...but the tears wouldn't come. So I'm wondering something. Maybe, just maybe, if I cut myself just a little somewhere on my body it will help me release the tears and anguish I can feel just below the surface...the tears that refuse to come even though I want them to so badly. I have a razor blade. I don't want to kill myself...I just want some relief. I just want to be able to cry and get it all out, and if I have to shed a little blood to do it then so be it.

Like I said, I fucked this past weekend up for a lot of people. It should have been a beautiful, happy, joyous weekend, but Atomic Amy had to go and open her big fucking mouth and almost start WWIII. I didn't do it out of meanness or maliciousness...I'm not like that. It was fear and anxiety. But you can't un-ring a bell, and I can't go back in time and undo what I did and change the weekend no matter how badly I want to.

The weather today hasn't helped one bit. It's dark and raining and just nasty out. And I'm tired. I didn't get home until after 11 p.m. last night, had to get my stuff in, take out my contacts, wipe the makeup off my face, take my nighttime meds and shot, and smoke my bedtime cigarette. I went to bed close to midnight and tossed and turned horribly all night long. I ended up being 20 minutes late this morning for work and I didn't even give a crap.

I'm not going to keep writing. I'm still really tired and still thinking about that razor blade in the cabinet under my sink. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) hubby is home now so no tears or relief tonight. I'll take the sleep, though, if I can get it.

Tomorrow will be a better day.