More work than sleep. in Since OD is shutting down....

I've been working my ass lately. I put in 45 hours last week and I'm just exhausted. I hung out with my brother and his family over the weekend and again, didn't get nearly as much sleep as I needed so yesterday work was awful because I couldn't get woke up and I was in a terrible mood because of PMS. I also had a really rocky start to my shift so my mood got even worse. The end of the night was okay but than had to get up at 7 this morning to take my brother's girlfriend to her orientation for her new job and take my niece to daycare. I'm not sure how I got roped into that but I'm not doing it again. I woke up super tired because I didn't even get home until midnight and didn't get to sleep until about 1:30. \

All I know is I'm extremely sick of one-sided relationships, especially with my family. My parents called on Saturday while I was at my brothers eating pizza and watching a movie. They were fighting with my little brother and demanded I go get him and take him to do something. Ok well again, I had already put in 38 hours for the week, they also live 15 miles away, I didn't have any money in addition to no gas in my car to get out there plus, I don't like being told what to do, especially by people I don't live with or pay my bills. I don't know who the fuck my Dad thinks he is, but I don't do anything I don't want to do. We ended up in a big fight because the $1,300 I borrowed them got brought up and according to my Dad, "there's no way it was that much" and my Mom said, "well, it's not like we've never helped you" um that's not the fucking point! They told me that I would get at least SOME of it back and then fucking hid out for like 2 months with their income tax money! They knew damn well they weren't going to pay me back and because they feel that they've helped me, then it's ok that they didn't pay it back.

I just don't get my family at all. My Dad said something about how my brother and I treat them like they have a disease because we stay away from them and it's because anytime we are in contact with them, they expect us to be helping them in some way, shape or fucking form! Oh and then after the argument the other day and my Mom hanging up on me, the fucking bitch had the nerve to text me the next morning asking if they could have my spare TV! Like, WTF?! I just think it's super pathetic that they are more worried about mooching off everyone then making their own money and paying for their own shit. I don't even know how many fucking times I've told them that I am NEVER helping them again but yet that doesn't stop them from asking!

It's just really sad that they have this, 'you need to just be constantly helping us' attitude instead of being parents and being there for us! All I've ever done is help them out with food, a place to stay when they were moving, money, furniture, groceries and with my little brother and none of it matters until I stop helping! As soon as I stop helping or just come right out and say no, they are so fucking quick to turn on me and never speak to me again it's not even funny! That's not much of a family if you ask me.

Another reason why I keep them at a distance is because they always have some form of drama going on and are sooooo fucking negative. I refuse to allow their negativity, the way they continue to treat me, and their problems affect my day to day life. I've done that before and every time I've tried to allow them into my daily life, I find myself getting super negative and really fucking depressed. I'm sorry that their lives are in such turmoil but it's up to them to fix it. I refuse to dwell on their problems. I've finally climbed out my self doubt and have started living my life to the fullest and I'm not going to let anyone take that away from me. It's just crazy how your parents are supposed to be there for you and lift you up but my parents just want to dump all their problems on everyone else and do nothing to make their situation better.

I just don't understand how they got like this. My Dad has always had the 'the world owes me' attitude and my Mom has slowly started to develop that attitude as well. It's just fucking pathetic. Even if everyone owes them, when do they need to become adults and start taking care of their own shit?! I don't care how much I think other people owe me, it's still my responsibility to handle my own!

Anyways, I took my brother's girlfriend to her orientation and my niece to daycare and then I came home and passed out hard for like 3 hours and just got done doing laundry. My brother better not think I'm going to get up and do this for the rest of the week because I'm not. I again feel like I'm getting used by him. I took his kid twice last week overnight so they could party and was even their DD on Friday night! I had to get up at like midnight, put their kid in my car and go back to get them and he didn't even offer to pay for my gas! It's just crazy how my family is but I refuse to do any more for them. It's bullshit how he will never help me at all but I'm supposed to bend over fucking backwards for him!

It's just crazy how I want these people in my life but then when I have them, I'm fucking miserable because they treat me like shit! I'm tired of just being important when I'm giving someone a ride or watching their fucking kid! I honestly can't wait to get my degree and get the fuck out of here! Even if I don't get my degree, I would still like to look into moving somewhere. I don't plan to be in this same place for the rest of my life anyway.

Work is pissing me off but it gets to me more around the time I get my time of the month. I did put in an application at the hospital the other night though. I'm just tired of working my ass off for minimum wage, having to put in a shit ton of hours so that I get a decent paycheck and always being called into work. I also refuse to make my job top priority. I did that last semester and I absolutely refuse to let school, sleep, or my niece take a back seat to my job again. The thought of getting a different job does scare me because I do have social anxiety and it's hard for me to know that I would have to meet all new people and learn all new things but I don't plan to stay there forever anyway.

I know that it's a scary thought for me to get a new job but it's a scary thought thinking I'm gonna be stuck there until I graduate too. I'm just tired of working so hard and not getting a raise and just being tired as fuck ALL the time. There's a place that I'm going to check out and see if they are hiring but I gotta wait until tomorrow since I don't have time before work.

Anyways, more later.