Testimony in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I recently found out some upsetting information about my scholastic career that had me, quite literally, quaking with anger. The American University system is an absolute trap. I don't know if anyone has seen the movie Accepted, but Lewis Black has a great little rant where he describes college as the place where America breeds pimps & whores... which is more accurate than I'm sure the writers of the film intended.

So I decided that I'm going to take them for all they're worth... in the sense that I only have three more classes in addition to the classes I need to finish my current degree before I get another degree. So, at the 11th hour, I have decided that I'm going to get degrees in Public Relations and Organizational Communication, I have already finished my minor in French. It won't cost me any extra money, and I should be able to get it done simultaneously. It'll take some extra hustling, but I have nothing else to do with my time so I might as well get another degree.

Other than that, things have been really easy going... and perhaps that's something that's bothering me. Let me explain. Last week I had a series of meetings at the University to sit on a panel to interview new candidates to take over the LGBT Center on the campus. I was quite surprised to be asked to sit on the panel because I got the impression that I wasn't too popular with the faculty there (in fact, I found that there were rumblings about my inclusion from other staff members) but they asked and I answered.

During the meetings, I kept hearing a phrase come up over and over again, and I've also been hearing it other places. Something along the lines of "I can only be me" or "I've got to be me" or "I'm just me" and usually I'd agree with that sentiment, but lately it's seeming like an excuse. I agree that if someone says something, the best response is to say "that's just me" but is that phrase a shield that keeps people from taking in any type of constructive criticism?

I finally took to heart the fact that I'm not always a pleasant person to be around, and I didn't say "I can only be me" because that's justifying that behavior. I needed to change my attitude and learn to have more patience and be more accepting. I have been spending a significant amount of energy trying to be better at not being so negative and hurtful toward people. Some days it's a struggle, but the point is, I'm trying.

Saying that it's just part of your nature is the excuse we have for animals but we still train dogs not to do certain behavior. Being able to master our nature and improve upon it is what makes us human beings and trying to justify something that needs to be changed that way is lazy and ignorant. I'm sorry, but it's insane. So many of these people who said this phrase were prefacing it with "I hate such-and-such outcome of my behavior but... that's just me!"

DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS IS THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY.

A lot of these people have complained that nothing changes in their lives. Let me explain something very clearly, I am the master of change; I have changed my life more times than I can even count: changing the circumstances isn't enough! I have lived all over the country and I was still unhappy about certain things. Even if you change everything around you, it won't make a difference if you don't change yourself. I made the same kind of stunted, half-hearted friendships everywhere I went because I had not changed the troubling aspects of my personality. I repeated the same kinds of relationships over and over again because the only thing that changed was the environment. It wasn't until I started making changes within myself (and in an existing environment) that I began to change. That was the moment when I began making a few friendships that really did exist beyond depth that I had experienced in quite some time.

Just as I did not always smoke or lay around doing nothing, I was not always mean-spirited and negative toward every person I met; those were things I chose to do. They were things that I learned. I started becoming really negative toward people after my coming out. I began to distrust all people without distinction. Family and friends all became the same thing to me because they all did the same thing, they rejected me and hurt me. If I rejected and hurt other people before they had the chance to do it to me, I had the control in the relationship.

I learned how to behave that way and so did all of you! Even if it happened so far back you don't remember. If you get fat to the point that it's unhealthy and killing you, you don't throw your arms up in the air and say "this is who I am"! NO! You work to make yourself healthy again. Maybe that's not necessarily trying to be the skinniest you were in your life, but at least making choices to get this behavior that is killing you under control. It's the same thing with our personalities. They get bloated, they get big and they get out of control and we have to proverbially slap ourselves in the face and figure out how to lose some of that head-weight.

I'm sorry if I'm being pointed about this, but the excuses that we use to justify our bad behavior are just that, excuses. We are not doing ourselves any favors by lying to ourselves and perpetuating bad behavior. "Look at your life; look at your choices" was a little joke phrase I used to say all the time, but one time, I decided to take that seriously and I decided I didn't like what I saw.

Now, calling other people out might sound like I'm looking at their lives and not liking what I see (aka judging). Well, I am judging you. But judgment is NOT a bad thing (condemnation is bad). I'm saying this because I have looked at your life and said to myself, "He/She can do so much better for themselves. What's stopping them?"

When I mentioned this to you, your answer was "Well, I can only be me."