People's advice. in Since OD is shutting down....

So the other day I was talking to my friend about not having childcare where she said I should apply for childcare assistance even with me explaining that I only need it for the Summer but you are stuck paying it for a year. I don’t know where people think that it would be a good idea for me to pay for air for 9 fucking months! That isn’t going to help us! It would in fact make our situation way worse! No, I’d rather start seeing CS consistently and just pay someone to watch her! I don’t want to take on extra debt if I don’t have to!!

I think sometimes people offer advice because it isn’t them to live with those choices. They don’t care because they aren’t being affected!! I also remember what it was like when I had childcare assistance before and it’s really intrusive where you have to send them your work schedule and if I didn’t find a daycare that’s open on weekends, it would be pointless. Your child can only miss so many hours a month which really sucks if something happens or you are trying to take a vacation and what if at some point we end up splitting custody?

I do believe that every time he’s gotten a job, he’s tried to pull out of this. I think he’s tried to get and stay sober and get things on track but with CS and his family constantly asking him to pay for too much, he just gets to feeling hopeless and gives up. I do wish I would have been more understanding but I wasn’t going to be so understanding that I let him move in and put up with him either not working or thinking just paying CS was enough. I also remember all those times he came over, started a bunch of shit and wouldn’t leave. There’s no way I would have subjected my daughter or myself to that type of home life.

There was a lot of times I could have been nicer about things, even more understanding. I just didn’t feel like he gave a damn about my struggles so I couldn’t care about his. I understand him living off his sister all this time and her expecting some type of compensation every time he had money though. He’s there taking up a room and space where he did for a long time not contributing anything. I just wasn’t going to let him do that here where I know damn well he wouldn’t have helped with our daughter when I needed him to and I still would’ve been on my own. I had the attitude that if I was going to be on my own then I needed to be just that.

I am sorry for being so demanding and angry. I honestly wish I could go back and change so much of my own behavior. I definitely wasn’t a saint in this either. I know that I took a lot though before I started getting really heartless but he’ll never understand how his behavior provoked that either. There’s no explaining it without it turning into a huge fight so I don’t bother trying.

I finally got a message from him an hour ago. It’s nice that he’s wasted the day sleeping and now he’ll get annoyed when I say she has to go to bed soon because she has school in the morning. So much of this is never going to change and that’s why I’m all for him leaving. He’s never going to prioritize his child and it really makes my blood boil this time because he’s only going to be here another 3 days. But again, it’s whatever.

It’s also bullshit how many times I have talked to my Mom about how this is also unfair to my daughter that she’s stuck around me as well but do you think she ever tries to come around? Fuck no! Even yesterday she was supposed to come hang out but he had to come with her to make sure she was here for 5 fucking minutes. I just don’t get how you don’t care at all about my mental health and even my child’s. But again, it is what it is.