More thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my parents stopped by and brought us toilet paper and paper towels. We hung out for a little while after I cleaned up the house and took a shower. We got a few things at the Dollar Tree and then went out and had BBQ with my parents. I wasn’t trying to be there long because my little brother doesn’t like anyone visiting but he stayed inside the whole time. My daughter played on the playground. I’m sad to think that we are going to have a month where she’s not really going to have anyone to play with unless my niece comes over but we’ll get through it.

It really pisses me off that he’s not making much effort to see her these last few days that he’s here but I remember that it’s my job to be my daughter’s Mother, not beg him to come around. I have the ‘whatever’ attitude because I remember him abandoning me while I was pregnant so I can’t expect it to be any different now, especially when he’s made minimal effort all along to be involved.

All of this makes me incredibly sad for my daughter. She has no idea that it shouldn’t have ever been like this and it’s all she knows. He always had the potential to be an incredible Dad but never wanted to be. His freedom has always ruled him and probably always will. I think about finding him walking a couple of nights ago and it just kills me. It also makes me mad that wages are so low here that there’s no chance for people to come up, especially someone like him that’s so far down because of CS.

I’m still thinking about him saying we will never be together. He’s managed to throw that into conversation so many times over the years and I can honestly say that looking on all this now, my daughter and I have been better off without him. I don’t know if I’ve been better off alone, but I know that I’ve been in a much better place on my own. I think about all those times he wanted to move in and there was just no way I was going to let that happen. He’s used to being enabled and I wasn’t about to be just another person enabling him. It wouldn’t have helped anything, I would have still been a single Mom, just had an extra person to feed and clean up after.

I think there’s just so much of this that should be behind us by now, starting with neither one of us should even have the thought of being together anymore. We also need to let go of wanting to hurt each other as well. I know that I’ve let go of all of this and I can honestly say, he never will. He’s going to do this same shit with each female he’s with and that’s why he’s still living with his sister. He’s never been good at holding down a job and you can’t build with a bum. I just really hope that he starts making real money because it would better our situation and we would make some serious headway.

Honestly, I am sorry that I didn’t treat him better even before I got pregnant but I can’t go back and no matter how many times I’ve apologized he doesn’t care. I still have yet to get any kind of apology for the way he’s treated my daughter or myself. There’s still a part of me that’s sad he’s leaving but I know it’s for the best. I just hope while he’s gone, he grows as a person and we could find ourselves in a good place for the sake of our child. I would love to be able to just be friends and trust him.

I haven’t heard from him at all today, probably won’t until Wednesday. I’m sure he’s planning on a night out after he gets off work because Lord knows the guy hasn’t spent enough time at the bar in the past 7 years. His selfishness is the most disgusting thing. I don’t know how you could feel good about yourself sitting in a bar while your kid and baby Mom are chilling at home. The lack of real regard for us is what makes me absolutely sick.