It's Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So last night I waited to get my daughter and then we came home and had lasagna. Her Dad just ignored me when I told him I wish I had a sitter and that I hadn’t been to the bar in a year. He just didn’t care and I said unless he was going to call on his break to talk to his child, I was done for the night. He got rude and said he was busy and I haven’t heard from him since. I promise that he’ll make no attempt to see her except for Wednesday, the day before he leaves. Today he doesn’t work until 3 and then I’m sure he’ll go to the bar. Sleep all day tomorrow, kick it on Monday, work Tuesday and that’s that.

I’m still pissed about him never apologizing for anything he’s ever done to me and so I try to apologize for stuff where he says we’re never going to be together and he accepts what I’ve said but he still has his trauma. Again, there’s still no reasoning with him and that’s why I don’t regret having very little contact all these years. I also don’t regret never moving him in because I wasn’t about to just be another fucking enabler waiting for him to get a job where I would have seen CS and nothing else. Everything worked out the way it was supposed to. I know he wants me to believe that EVERYTHING is my fault but I won’t let anyone make me believe that. He wasn’t a Dad all this time because he didn’t want to be.

I remember even last Summer calling him and asking if he wanted to help because I had to childcare and he was drunk as fuck at noon on a Wednesday where he was screaming the whole time to the point where I couldn’t even make out what he was saying and then I finally just hung up. The guy is a fucking freak. It’s shocking how someone could do what he has and still believe he’s not to blame for anything but again, I have to just let him go by his narrative and keep contact at the bare minimum.

It’s also old how he’s a broken record and still does whatever he can to try and provoke a big fight. I just won’t engage anymore. I know that he doesn’t know that I can have the CS modified and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. It’s best to wait until he gets to where he’s going, wait for the wage withholding and then send in my paperwork. I’m going to fill it out next week while my daughter is at school, make whatever copies of my stuff I need to and then I’m just going to wait until he’s there and then probably call and let my caseworker know that he’s switched jobs and this is where he’s at. I know he’s never going to give me the name of the company but I’m sure they’ll be able to figure it out.

I think it’s bullshit that I’m supposed to sit here with no childcare and get no break and can’t even plan to work because I’m not receiving any child support to pay someone to watch her and I’m just to be okay with this. Well, I’m going to do what I can to get as much as we are entitled to so that I can plan to start working or go back to school or whatever it is I would like to do to get my life back on track. I don’t know if he seriously thinks I just ALWAYS have a sitter when I need one but I never have and never will until I find someone to watch her. My family is fucking useless.

My Mom was supposed to come over and hang out today and I just hung up from her where apparently my Dad is coming to so her spending time with us is out of the question, just like it’s been for the past year and a half. I said something to my brother last night about never getting to do anything on weekends and he said she can go over there next weekend but I don’t see that actually happening. He’s just like her Dad where he’s not going to let her get in the way of his drinking and going out.

I need to get my oil changed so I’m gonna try and get that done next week. I have a coupon. I just can’t believe how expensive everything still is and I would really like it if life could become affordable again. They like to bitch about everyone stealing from Walmart but I understand why. Shit is fucking expensive! My God, it’s seriously damn near impossible to survive and I’m really fucking sick of it.

My stress is at an all time high because after next week there will be no more after school program and then there’s only one more week of school. I’m just praying that I’ll be able to get her into that other program in July because if we have another Summer doing nothing, we are both going to lose our fucking minds. You can only sit at home and watch tv for so long and going to the park and swimming and whatever else gets old too. I just wish we had plenty of kids for her to hang out with and more people to do stuff with but we don’t. When the fuck is this shit ever going to change? Every weekend is the same exact thing and I don’t know how to go about changing it.

There’s times where I really wish my daughter liked being at home more. I get tired of always trying to plan to do things. I don’t want to spend money all the damn time. We have Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, our phones and I just wish she could ever be content just being home but she isn’t. She also gets tired of just hanging around with Mom but no matter how much I’ve tried to talk about this shit, no one makes any effort at all. I know my niece is probably out of the question for this weekend as well.

I’m still annoyed at how he tried to bring me down by saying we are never going to be together. I’ve been past that for years. I never wanted to be with him, nor have I ever even said those words. He was seriously just a hook up. I’ve never thought after everything he’s put me and my daughter through that it’s even a consideration. He’s got a lot of growing up to do starting with learning how to respect women, getting/keeping a job, prioritizing his child among plenty of other things before I would ever even think like that in the future. I’m going to talk about this with my other friend and I just know he’s going to say that it shouldn’t even be a thought for either one of us.

I just think there’s several things that neither one of us should be concerned about and 2 of them should be that we aren’t trying to hurt each other anymore or even think about ever being together. I would rather he just worry about paying CS and making his presence known with our child and us being civil. That’s all I ask for. I would rather find someone where I can have a fresh start and not be reminded of all the shit I’ve done to them when they’ve done far worse to me. I don’t want to be with someone who’s more concerned about drinking and being at the bar or sleeping around. I want to find someone who’s honest, who would actually care how they make me feel and someone that just works and there’s no concern about that. I would rather deal with a busy man then a lazy one, especially when they are trying to blame you for it.

He’s always tried to make me feel stupid for having standards like wanting him to have a job, car, bank account and just overall be a decent person. Yeah, I want someone who’s not a project because I’ve done that. I’ve wasted years waiting for men to grow the fuck up and in the meantime they are just living off of you and then all you’ve done is invest your time and money for nothing. You don’t ever get reimbursed for your time, money, and effort. It’s all just a fucking loss.

I think he’s still just a very hurtful person and he’s going to be this way with every female that crosses his path and that’s why none of these women stick around. I think his main mission has always been to find a woman to sponge off of and that’s why he’s still living with his sister. He’s also really crazy, mean, and treats everyone like absolute shit so that’s part of the reason why he’s always between relationships otherwise by now, had he worked he probably could have found someone to build with. But yet, still tries to blame me for his shortcomings. It’s fucking old and tired.