Feelings. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my heart has been heavy since last night and I’ve cried my eyes out. I can’t believe that we’ve wasted the last 6 years fighting and having no contact and now he’s leaving. I know that for his situation to get better, this is what he needs to do but I was really hopeful that my daughter was going to start being able to see her Dad consistently and I would maybe start getting a break and now all of that is off the table.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how many times he’s told me that how I make him feel really gets to him and how hard things were and I didn’t listen because I didn’t feel like he cared about my struggle either. I will admit I was fucking ruthless but it was only after years of taking his abuse that I finally became cold. I offered to take him to work today so that I could tell him all these things but he said he was okay and that I’ve put him through too much trauma that we’ll never be together. Um, you’ve left me to raise a whole ass human by myself for the past 6 years with little to no support but let’s just focus on your trauma?! Okay.

We’ve both done so much too each other that we’ll probably never be the same. I completely understand it. I know that I’m not trying to be with him but honestly, I can’t imagine trying to be with someone else either. Whether I want to admit it or not, I’m always going to have feelings for him and that’s probably never gonna go away, even if I find someone that’s perfect for me. I hate that about myself but I have to accept it. I just wish he would have been more receptive when I was trying to tell him how I felt but part of our problem has always been we can’t make our good feelings align.

So because he’s going to make real money, I plan to fill out the modification paperwork and wait until they get the new wage withholding put on and then I’m going to submit it. I know he’ll end up paying a shit load more but I need to have money to pay a sitter so I can plan to have a life too. I’ve sat here for years waiting for some kind of help from him and it’s really put me behind financially so I’m going to get what money I’m entitled too. He doesn’t get how much it’s affected things for me to not receive any type of help from him!

School is out in 2 weeks and then I’m back to having no sitter so I can either have a break or plan to get a job and I’m so fucking sick of living like this. I am so ready for my situation to get better and unfortunately that means he’s probably going to end up paying more in CS. He’s got to understand he’s going to be hours away and there will not even be any kind of chance for us to split custody and I’m still the primary parent.

I just really do hope that he plans to stay in touch with our daughter and come back when he’s able to spend time with her. I hope that he doesn’t plan to stay there forever and that he’s only gone long enough to get his bag up and come back to be a Dad. I’m not going to mention that now because he’ll just get mad and I just have to try and be supportive.

I’ve spent much of my day thinking about the fact that he’s always been here in the same city and even without contact, I took comfort knowing he was around and now he’s going to be gone. I am worried that this is going to take a toll on my mental health big time. I’m already feeling really alone and then I’m just gonna feel empty. Everywhere we go, there’s memories of him and I just hope he’ll stay in touch because my daughter is getting used to seeing him and I just don’t want her to be bummed about him leaving.

But I guess it’s good for him to leave now instead of a month or two down the road where it would be even harder on my kid. I just wish that we could have figured something out all these years. I’m sorry for how I was but he’s definitely not sorry for his part in any of this. The focus has ALWAYS been on what I’ve done to him with little acknowledgment of what he’s done to me. I NEVER would have thought he would have gotten my pregnant and then moved 11 hours away a week after we found out but he did.