To know them in through the looking glass.

I find myself dreading social situations, many of which I myself initiated. It has something to do with fear - of losing people, of saying the wrong thing, of seeing (not just feeling) how unimportant I really am.

I especially want to tell stories about the kids, but I often hold myself back for fear that it’s too boring or annoying or domineering.

The thing is that they’re sweet and brilliant and hilarious in the ways of small children everywhere. I do not delude myself that it’s more than that. Still, they and their stories are uniquely and wholely themselves. I wish I trusted that anyone cared enough about them to listen. I’m sad that I can’t say with confidence that anyone does.

The interest from our families of origin ebbs and flows, but when it does exist seems more centered in interest in their identity in relation to my kids rather than in my kids themselves.

To some extent we expected it would be this way, and so have always worked hard to build strong friendships and community beyond family, with the thought that that might be enough. I feel less and less confident in that. There are just too many competing priorities for so many of our friends.

Mostly, I want to be able to share them and the people they are. I want someone to care enough about them to want to really know them. And I want them to grow up without the fear that love and care will always only be fleeting and superficial.