My life. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ya’ll are awesome and I appreciate your words of encouragement and kindness. It really does mean a lot! I feel so grateful to have support, even if it’s online. I don’t have a lot of that here in my immediate family like I should but still doing okay.

He was begging for us to come have dinner with him at his work last night and I politely declined. I was just waiting for him to get mean like he normally would and he didn’t so that was like a breathe of fresh air. He talked to her on the phone this morning before school and kept telling her to say things to me like how he was going to give me kisses and that he loved me which I felt was crossing the line. I’m glad that she hears positive but I feel it’s too much and I don’t know how to address that so I’m going to think on it and possibly say something later because it’s like if that was true, he would actually make effort to be a part of our lives.

One of the things I thought about last night is how we were wrong all those times in messaging him and basically dangling the idea of him seeing her but with stipulations. I know that this guy is a fucking joke and deserves shit like he’s given me but I have to handle things better than I have and I plan to from here on out. I’ve always wanted him to be a Dad and I need to accept that he’s going to be a Dad how he’s going to be one even if that means it doesn’t align with my expectations.

I was pretty annoyed with him not calling last night but he messaged and said he had gotten busy. There’s a lot of things in the past that I wasted so much time on that I won’t now. I was so fixed on finding holes in his story and calling him out instead of staying out of his personal business and letting him be a Dad when he’s able. It’s not my job to worry about if he’s lying or not. As long as he’s prioritizing his child when he can, that’s where the focus should be and the rest is not my concern.

Sometimes I wonder how different all of this could have ended up if my friend would have stayed out of it because she was always the one that worried about his lies and trained me to be that way.

I also have to accept that he’s going to create whatever narrative that suits him and there’s nothing I can do about it. He posted a picture that he took not even 24 hours after seeing her which bothers me because it’s his profile picture which means anyone on Facebook can see it so it’s a safety concern but there’s nothing I can do about it and I don’t plan to say a fucking word. I’m still annoyed that he had some girl around her but that’s another thing that I know even if we do get a court order I’ll be told that I have no say in what goes on when she’s with him so I might as well get used to this shit now and know that I’m just going to have to trust his judgment, just like I’ve told him.

I spent too much time worrying about shit that didn’t matter that I had no control over and he ended up losing a lot of time with his child because of it. I understand now that I have absolutely been part of the problem. My anger and personal feelings definitely got in the way and blurred my vision. My daughter’s happiness is and should always be the main focus for both of us and I’m not going to let anything get in the way of that again. If he fucks up this time, that’s on him but I will make sure I stay fair and decent so he can’t blame me once this go downhill.

My daughter and I have been dealt a pretty shitty hand but I play those cards with grace and now, I just want to be as reasonable and decent as I can be and stay that way. I know that we have a long road ahead of us but maybe, just maybe we can get somewhere and my daughter can have both of us. I don’t want to fight anymore and I’m sick of hating him. I would seriously give my right arm for us to just put all our negativity away and worry about being parents. I don’t care bro, go live your life but I’d like your daughter to be a part of it. That’s all I want.