you're not who i thought you were - sara bareilles, 'love song' in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

evan, again.

ya know. like. a yr. ago. [actually it's been a yr. and 4 months and 6 days. it's also my ex's 31st bday. um. he's single according to FB] he was so sweet to me. evan I mean. he was upset and rant-y and flighty yeah. but I mean our best friend had passed in March, so. but he. he really took care of me. like physically. [evan I mean although Pat our best friend also took care of me. back in Feb. of 2013 he saved me].

I was dying.

yeah. it's not something I talk about or write about and it's not something I was clear about until now. on may 3rd [of 2013] I. left. I don't know for how long and I don't remember much of it. which right now is good since. I don't know that I want to. but evidently he gave me milk and talked to me. milk, of all things. maybe one of these days i'll detail it in a public entry. I was so g**amned sick. I don't think I've ever been that sick in my life.

so after that I had a new appreciation for life. still do, actually. but even though I have more of an appreciation for it I still don't fully, appreciate it even though. I feel like I probably should.

yeah so anyway back to my point. back then. he was sweet to me. he was there for me. so devoted. and so I felt like he always would be. and these days it doesn't feel like he entirely is. and maybe i'm not entirely wrong maybe I am I don't know. and I don't think I like that. actually I don't.

but maybe he was there for me bc I was dying. maybe since i'm not. like nearly as much I don't need him as much. actually I realised this awhile ago. and so I wonder why he's not that sweet not that devoted. but at the same time I know. I wish he still was.

yeah...........yeah. he's not who I thought he was. or maybe he's always been this way I just didn't see it then.

maturing's a weird thing, another. thing I realised awhile ago. it doesn't feel right. it feels a bit terrifying, actually.

Last updated August 09, 2014