Wanting Hurts [Epiphony Unlocked] in Current Events

Why are you like this?! That is the question that I need to ask myself more often. I have mood poisoning and it’s not like I actually want to be sitting here experiencing it.

I pieced it together today as to why I’ve been so emotionally dysregulated. My trigger is money. It doesn’t buy happiness but it gives me security which sure helps. The solution is simple enough. Get a better-paying job you povo. It just feels as though I have been down this road before. I feel like my old self which is making me want to do old habits.

The first thing to cross my mind when I woke up was how I need a Bachelor of Science Degree as a prerequisite for Medical School so that I can practice Naturopathy. It’s going to be eight years of schooling. I overwhelmed myself first thing this morning. I didn’t even have a sip of my mushroom coffee. My priorities are all over the place because I don’t have the structure I need to be sane. Only I can create that for myself.

I dropped my physics course. This time next year I will be applying for post-secondary to get that Bachelor of Science Degree. I couldn’t even handle grade 12 physics. My weak spot was the math. I have been wasting so much time wallowing when I could have been training to be a mathlete. I still have plenty of time to do so. I at least have that on my side. I start a full year of chemistry in September.

Nothing triggered me at work today to put me in a bad mood. I did that all by myself like a big boy. I put on my cranky pants. That place is just too toxic for me. Of course, I’m emotionally liable but there are valid reasons for that place to be getting under my skin. Getting a new job is the simplest solution. It just pisses me off because I don’t want to leave that place. I like the people I work with. I like the job itself. It has great benefits. I just feel like I shouldn’t give up without putting up a fight. I at least want to raise a little hell before I go.

I’ve let go of waiting for a call from the other location that I applied at. Yet, I still feel like I am waiting for it. I keep checking my phone which is driving me crazy. After 3 pm I can stop sitting at the edge of my seat. That’s when my team is long gone. Just move on you big bloated bitch on Prosebox.

While I was taking my grandmother grocery shopping I saw the liquor store in the building and almost went in to get a bottle of wine. I’ll just handle things like old times and drink until I feel better. I almost convinced myself to go to the casino this morning as a desperate attempt to make my financial life better. I really am coming full circle. I make myself sound like an alcoholic with a gambling problem, I’m not. I just don’t want to want alcohol. I don’t want to want anything. Wanting hurts. Wanting things hurt… [Epiphany Unlocked]

Wanting things hurt. That’s why I am so miserable. I want so much right now and all of it feels so out of reach. The pain and fear have been absolutely paralytic to my consciousness. What I want is displacement. I want to go from A to B but I have to go the distance. I spook myself, so to speak, if I think too big so I only focus on the next step. However, I managed to lose focus of the big picture and I think that I need to put that pressure on myself.

I’m going to have to have a sit down with myself and let him have it. You’re 37! Get your life right and open a Bible. You’re too old to be a problem child. I might need to give him a spank while I’m at it. He’s a stubborn one that needs a literal kick in the ass sometimes. He thinks that he has all the answers to everything but he can’t even do anything right for himself. I need to humble him.

I have been procrastinating and self-sabotaging and keeping myself radically distracted because… fear. That’s what it all boils down to. My mind just keeps telling me that I will be safe if I just don’t do anything. If I just keep doing what I always do everything will be nice and predictable and safe. Of course, we’re not free from what we do because we are not free from what we want.

I need to work on my relationship with my inner child and let him know that he’s a selfish vile botched abortion that is ruining my life… I need to tell him that it will be okay. We don’t need to trust the process we just need to trust ourselves. No matter what happens, we can land on our own two feet.

I have a lot to think about. To meditate on. I have a lot that I need to do. My external world needs attention too. Obviously. My internal world has also been getting neglected. I need to do some open-mind surgery on myself. I have strong metacognition skills compared to most. It’s painful shit. There is no anesthetic. I have to die a hundred times. If I fix my mind then everything else in my life shall follow, theoretically. My mind knows this. It doesn’t want to create new structures and grieve the old ones but I’m supposed to be in charge here. I’m the head of game here. The pleasure and the pain, yeah. I’m rambling. I’m going to go have a glass of whiskey and sit on my balcony under a blanket and listen to the rain and see if I can get calm.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

Last updated May 08, 2023