Axis of Drama in Current Events

Yesterday, I reached the part of the day where my energy locks up and I die inside. I surrendered to it and crawled into bed as per usual. Why am I like this? I asked myself. I remembered how bad my situation was before I moved into this apartment. Before I had my current job. The Con-19 lockdowns took everything from me and kept demanding more. I had nothing two years ago. Just my car. I was ready to sell it before Bev got me the job that I have now. It wasn’t a full-time position but I figured that I would just pay my dues until a full-time position was available. I made sure that I was the best person for the role. That didn’t work out. I grew a lot during that transfer of wealth and power. Prior to that, I was already on the verge of either a breakdown or a breakthrough and managed to have a breakthrough. That got me through the hardest time of my life to date and I’ve had plenty. Life is coming from me, not at me. I have to remind myself. I managed to pull myself out of bed both figuratively and literally and forced myself to at least exercise. Get out of B.E.D and grab your O.A.R. Bev likes to say. B.E.D. is blame, excuses, and denial. O.A.R. is ownership, accountability and responsibility. While I was barely keeping myself together during my last nervous breakdown I used to play motivational videos endlessly. I reintroduced myself to that while I worked out. I really pushed myself this time.

I went for a good run after my workout. I have been reluctant because the air is dry and filthy. It’s been hurting my lungs and sinuses but I ran anyway. I was able to push myself pretty hard. I was sprinting by the end of it. It felt like I was running away from my problems which is exactly what my anxiety needs. I was not winded when I finished. I felt amazing.

I was tossing and tortured ‘til dawn. My run was too late in the day. It energized me and I could not feel tired. I got to discover that which is truly plaguing my soul. At least, it was pretty clear even though I already knew it was bothering me. It’s what tortured me all night. I know what I need to let go of and that is my workplace. I’m not over the saga that happened over a year ago. When I was robbed of an equal opportunity. It’s what I am thinking about when I am trying to be in the moment. When I am visiting with friends. When I am visiting family. When I was burying my grandfather even. I want to hurt them back. I have a Scorpio Mars. Revenge motivates me. I toss and turn and fantasize about all of the ways I can get back at them. All of the things I can say to hurt them as a mental terrorist. Success is the best revenge but I’m just a man and I’m not above vindictiveness and spite. I need to let this go. I planted mental seeds on the team a year ago which has been growing into chaos. Chaos is my stepping ladder. I didn’t get to finish what I started when I did that but I can’t undo it. Am I the villain? Am I the drama? I can be. The old-old me was. I want to enter my villain era again real bad and just hurt people that hurt people. It’s way too much energy so I have been saving face hoping it will all go away.

I like the job itself. I get to organize and optimize and leave things better than when I found them. That gives me a lot of job satisfaction. It pays above minimum wage, it has great benefits. It gives huge bonuses twice a year. I don’t do shift work. It’s Monday-Friday, we don’t work stats. My team is great, I like them all except the two that hurt me. I don’t know how to let go of the pain. It would be easier to just let go of the job but then it feels like I’ve let them win.

I confronted my boss about everything. She said that she would inquire with the district HR about some of it. I was written up for something that I shouldn’t have been written up for. It was for a conversation I had off the clock and not in the building. They robbed me of an equal opportunity and then made me the villain and themselves the victim. She said that she would arrange a meeting for me with the person filling in for the district manager to discuss my other issues with her. Did I shoot myself in the foot with the position I applied for at the other location? Yes, most likely. It was a total mercury retrograde moment, it all came out like word vomit. I can’t undo it.

I’m going to call out these reduced hours as well. They told us that we were expanding and so my boss grew the team and then they did the opposite. They shrunk our service hours in half and we part-timers have been waiting for five months for it to either go back to normal or for them to magically double our load as they said they would. My boss and the people she answers to are all pretending that they don’t know what is happening. The district manager went on stress leave and our HR for the building went on maternity leave. It’s just all fucked up. My team has been spread so thin because our tasks haven’t shrunk, just the hours we get to do them. It looks like a quiet layoff and it talks like a quiet layoff. We just want to know if this is the new normal or not. We usually get transparency but not this time. I want to threaten them with a union just to make them hurt. I could just not do anything and leave it alone because who cares? Just get another job. I need to work on not taking things so personally.

Basically, it feels like I am done with the place and I just want to raise hell on my way out. I’m going to throw my resume around some more. This time I am applying with a wide open availability. If I magically get the call for that full-time position I will absolutely take it but I’m still going to be exploring other options. A new environment might just be what I need though. I was there yesterday to look at plants. This location is within walking distance of me. I bought a wandering jew. It’s nice and full. I saw the team I would be working with if I magically get hired for it. They all looked miserable. I then felt flustered at the thought of working for that store because of its bad reputation. It has the worst reputation of how bad it is to work for. I want to just keep my head low and not stir the pot. I can’t help myself though. I see something I say something.

I was supposed to visit with a friend yesterday. We were going to clean up the energy in her place in the spirit of letting things go during the full moon/eclipse in Scorpio but her stomach was causing her issues. We will try tomorrow. I also have plans with Bev tomorrow, her boys want to visit with me. Today I have my nephew’s belated birthday party today. I will try to be in the moment. This job ain’t worth the pain. At some point this weekend my roommate and I will finish the conversation we started. I will confront my roommate about everything. She already showed me that she is aware of her behaviour and habits but I don’t think she is aware that it has been absolutely toxic for me. I am going to make her aware. This time next week everything should already have been said and done at both the home front and work front. In the meantime, I need to restructure absolutely everything in my fragile little life. Organize and optimize myself. Leave myself better than how I found it.

During this rut, I have been creative instead of destructive. I have been making my living space all nice and pretty. Last night all I wanted to do was drink. I am committing to my old rules, one of which is that I don’t drink when unhappy. When I was very young I became self-conscious about how kids with a history like mine grow up and I made a promise to myself that I would not turn out like them. I will not become a cheap slut or literal whore with an addiction problem. My choices never made me popular. I had the reputation of being a stuck-up, judgemental bitch because I was vocal and proud of my standards and boundaries. Whatever.

I suppose I should move on with my day now. Things should feel .000001% lighter now that I know what my problem is. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. Whatever.