Fear Street in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

So yesterday was the last day of interviewing the candidates to take over as coordinator of the Pride Center on campus. Let me tell you, there are some long-winded know-it-alls applying for jobs out there.

The first gal was very uptight, which didn't surprise me because she was from Connecticut. Now, I have been there and none of the other students had and they assumed her manner was laid-back, but I recognized it for what it really was. If that woman gets the job, she's going to have a hard time because Connecticut and California do not mesh well.

The second candidate was this nice lesbian who wasn't as knowledgable as the first one, but she had much more passion. However, she was a vegetarian, and I don't trust those people. There's something inherently wrong with them and I honestly believe that the lack of meat chemically fucks up their mind! (Who needs science when I have conspiracy theories?!) The other students on the panel didn't like her because she wasn't as "smart" as the first gal. Ugh whatever...

The third candidate was this guy that was like a big ball of emotions. I liked him because he was nice, there was nothing off-putting about him at all... but I can tell that because I was the only man on the panel the whole time, all the lesbians hated him because he was a man... and could therefore never understand their experiences and their hardships and he's white (he's not, he's actually half-Greek, half-Puerto Rican) so he can't understand ethnic issues and blah blah blah. This was the moment when I regretted being on the panel.

I'm tired of the identity arguments that we get stuck on in America. I was discussing this with a group and an African-American girl pointed to me and said, "Do you think he feels fear every day of his life? No, because he's a WHITE MAN!" and she screamed the last two words as if she were screaming an obscenity. But I thought about it and that's not true. Just like I can't tell the experience of someone else, they really can't tell my experiences either.

Almost every day of my life I've been afraid. I was picked on and abused so much when I was younger that I expect it everywhere I go. I still get names yelled at me by passing cars when I walk down the street. I live my entire life with my fists clenched. America is a place of violence. That violence is directed at women, people of color, and LGBT folk regardless of race or identified gender.

I was laughing when the candidates were going on and on about how people need to feel safe on the campus. I laughed because safety is an illusion in which we wrap ourselves to feel like there are no consequences to things we cannot control. That is simply not true. Safety is not real and does not exist.

There has only been one period of time where I didn't not feel threatened all the time and that was while I was living in Paris. When I first got there, I was just as tense as I had been, but eventually I saw that the things of which I was afraid in California were not issues in France. There are other issues and other reasons to be cautious, absolutely, but it wasn't directed always at me.

It felt so odd to relax my fear and let go of my fist for once.

So when people wonder why I want to go back to France and live there permanently, I don't really have an answer because I can't properly explain this fear that I have. Fear like this is not a political issue. It has nothing to do with whether or not a Bush or a Clinton is in office. It's not affected by whether or not gay marriage is legal in my state or not, or whether hate crime legislation is enacted. Fear of this nature has to do with the nature and culture of a country and America is an ugly place.

So don't tell me I don't understand because I know that. Just don't assume that because you know I don't understand means you understand me.