Heartbeats in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I've attempted to write a couple of times but the truth is I can't bring myself to write when I'm upset and turning this place into a gossip column. That's not the reason I write, but at the same time, I know that I do this because I want to make it seem like my ruffles remain unfeathered by situations of social upheaval, however, that is not the case.

Spontaneously, an acquaintance from school moved into my house. I say "acquaintance" but that's not really the case, he would probably consider me a friend, but I'm not sure that I'd apply the same title to him. We hung out outside of school a few times and they were very odd. I'm not too pleased with him moving in at this moment, simply because I think he's got a vision that we'll be like The Golden Girls, and as much as I love that show, I do not have to patience to perpetuate someone's fantasy that he or she is Blanche Devereaux.

He also thinks he knows everything about me. And THAT is really irritating.

This brings into focus something that really bothers me... there are people out there that I genuinely despise and I find it hard to think fondly of people who have screwed me over. I mean, I had a friend who had been wronged by someone and he was being chided by this ditzy guru girl for not "taking the high road" and I became incensed. I mean, don't go out of your way to cause people harm, but if someone wrongs me, you can bet I'm not going to be sweet as apple pie to that motherfucker.

I mean, my aunt posted something on Facebook that was directed toward the wife of a person who had seriously caused me ill damage a long time ago, and while I don't necessarily find myself plagued by that situation, it did make me pause and wonder a few things.

I'm not sure I'm capable of complete forgiveness. Can we really forgive when even the name of a person brings the pain back into sharp focus? Pain doesn't stop me from doing anything except trust the people who caused it. Is forgiveness reestablishing trust or is it being aware of untrustworthiness? Trust is built on faith and when that faith is broken can it be rebuilt or is it the perpetual apple from the serpent?

There was a time that I had infinite patience for people but I realize that having that much patience is a waste of my time and energy. I said that and this person tried to argue that it was okay to waste energy. I looked at him and asked him if he'd seen The Matrix. He replied that he had and I asked him what aspect of the movie had the greatest verisimilitude and he responded, of course, to the looming technological aspect. I disagreed and told him that my answer to my question is when the movie says that humans are just batteries. In the length of time, we exist a little like a firecracker that burns bright and dies just as quickly. When I only have a specific amount of energy, a set amount of heartbeats, why am I going to waste those on someone who doesn't waste any on me? He didn't have an answer.

The new roommate thinks he knows me, but I'm still learning who I am. I find something new every day.

I remember last summer, I was incredibly depressed by this point in the summer because I had nothing to do but sit around and obsess about problems that didn't exist. Lindsay was busy hiding her pregnancy. Edgar had finally broken my heart (because I made him). It was around this time last year that Bastien and Mallek were visiting from Paris and I headed out on a road trip to Los Angeles. I spent too much time at the river last summer, lounging naked on the rocks and letting the wind from the Sierra Nevada mountains keep me calm. When I wasn't up in the mountains, I was going crazy.

Now the only thing driving me crazy are the people around me. I suppose that's the way it's supposed to be.