Praying. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I sent my daughter with the paper work for her field trip next Friday and for the Summer program and now I just have to sit back and pray that she gets a spot. I’m mentally preparing myself to be pretty pissed off and know that my kid will be devastated if she’s home for several weeks. I’m trying hard to not get super stressed but we’ve already had a couple of Summers trying to keep busy and me not completely losing my mind so I know I’m worried about it. My daughter is used to being out of the house and around kids all day so this is really going to suck for her if she’s home all the time. It’s a challenge just one weekends keeping her busy and I just know it’s going to be even harder having her home all the time. The lady that runs the program said they are going to draw on Monday and let everyone know on Wednesday so I have to week to sweat.

My friend called and we talked about the whole job thing. She thinks that it’s still possible for him to be working and I think so too but because he didn’t answer my brother’s message means either one of two things. Either he’s quit working or he’s trying to dodge CS. I’m hoping that he’ll just notice CS being taken out because then he knows they found it on his own and he can’t say that we knew where he was working because we don’t so that would definitely be a plus. His birthday is this weekend so that’s a concern so unless he’s at a job where he doesn’t work weekends, the job won’t last long.

I’m annoyed that he’s gone out of his way to avoid any and all responsibility to his child but still thinks that I need to be as reasonable as can be with everything. I just hope that if he’s ever sitting in jail that he thinks about how many times he’s gotten jobs and didn’t show up and how much he owes and the fact that he’s already plead guilty to contempt once and the fact that he’s made 1 payment in 2 fucking years. He’s brought all of this shit on himself and I will not have any amount of sympathy at all. This guy has left me holding the fucking bag on absolutely everything and I’m definitely ready for him to face whatever it is that he needs to face to become an actual human being.

I also think it’s bullshit that he doesn’t even remember his child exists unless it’s to gain sympathy, create rivalry, or use her as a scapegoat. I have dealt with him exploiting both of us online and to all the people around him, making me out to be the bad guy no matter how much I’ve tried and I’ve done nothing but take his abuse since I told him I was pregnant and he’s still this fucking victim. I’m seriously done. I agree with my friend saying that if he wants to see her he needs to go through the courts. The fact that the last time he was around her and said that I was taking all of his money was the final fucking straw. That’s telling her that he doesn’t care, doesn’t want to support her and basically blaming me for his absence.

I never really thought that he would be go that far or stoop that low and now that he has, I’m absolutely against him ever being around her again unless there’s supervision. My daughter isn’t old enough to understand any of this and I only want to have to be so transparent with her about all of this and I don’t plan to ever tell her about CS or any of that because it’s not her concern. There’s so much of this that’s not her burden to carry and I don’t appreciate him trying to put it on her shoulders. I get his hatred for me but that’s not her problem and I refuse to ever put her in a situation for her to have to hear more negative about me. The guy gets to live his life completely responsibility free of his child and that’s not enough?!

I remember back in the day wanting to message him and people would have to talk me out of it and now people have to try and talk me into it. Nobody really does though because they know we aren’t going to make any headway. This shit is dead in the water and I’m glad that I did plenty of thinking about this over the weekend before I made the fatal decision to even unblock him. I remembered why he’s blocked in the fucking first place. I am not going to keep beating that same dead horse. If he wanted to be a Dad, he would have been all along and I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing anything.

I am very certain that he feels that being the victim is more of an attention getter than being a Dad would ever be. I’m just glad that I have been silent because it’s worked against him. It’s harder to make me look crazy or a stalker. I have never moved the way he’s wanted me too and that infuriates him. He’s painted one helluva picture of me and I’ve never proven him right. I just stay silent and know that plenty of people have probably questioned him all along. Even my friend said that there’s no way people just completely believe everything he has said. You’d have to be a dumb motherfucker to buy into his story.

My daughter live in his truth everyday while he gets to live a lie. We’ve always just been in the shadows of this while he tells his friends how much he loves her and she’s his whole world when he doesn’t even buy her a pair of shoes. I’m upset that he sleeps around and is a total womanizer and all these woman have always been above his daughter. She’s just always been on a shelf waiting for her Dad to give a shit. It’s hard to not get angry sometimes. My daughter just said last night how she doesn’t have a Dad and I always remind her that she does, he’s just not around.

There’s millions of kids that have absent parents and it’s disgusting. It’s also bullshit how 1 parent has to step up while the other never steps up at all. There’s so many of them that live in their own lies like my kid’s Dad while we live in their truth. Everyday. I couldn’t imagine convincing people how much I love and care for my child knowing I don’t do anything to contribute to her life at all.

Anyways, I’m just thinking about this Summer program and hoping to God almighty that she gets a spot because otherwise things are going to get really stressful trying to find shit to do everyday. My daughter is used to being out of the house and being around kids everyday that it could definitely change and I know it was hard on her last year and I really hope we don’t have to go through that again.

It’s also great how everything he’s accused me of is exactly what he’s done himself. It’s like when he used to call me a coward but everything CS has sent him has been returned. He’s said that I use her as a toy but he’s only ever cared about seeing her if there’s something in it for him such as impressing someone. There’s a lot of double standards and hypocrisy on this and I’m also sick of being full of regret anytime he’s been around. It’s just disruptive and problematic. I honestly think he’s only come around to cause problems and find things to talk shit about.

I’m guilty of parental alienation by threatening legal action and blocking him simply because I need the abuse to stop. I just want to feel safe. It’s like the only way I can feel like I’m being heard is to just react like I have. He’s just always made me feel like I’m not to react no matter how awful he’s treated me or his child. I feel like I’m always on the defense and worried about what’s gonna happen next. I just can’t believe that he still has people message me after all these years instead of just moving on with his life. He’s told me to just let him live his life but he’s not letting me do the same.

I still think about the conversation I had with that girl at the end of November and I wish I would have handled it differently. There’s no point in sending screenshots of our conversations of him being an unreasonable deadbeat or how much he owes his child. I need to just start being really generic if I choose to respond and make people believe that this shit doesn’t bother me anymore because that way they aren’t getting any type of drama from it and it’s also going to make him look bitter as fuck. By just being really nonchalant about everything lets people know I seriously don’t care anymore, I accept my situation and I’m not giving them what they want. No matter what they know or what side they’re on, it’s not going to change anything for my daughter anyway.

As much as I accept my situation, I don’t think I’ve always shown it and I think from now on I’m gonna start working on that. I plan on being as positive as I can about everything and know that being negative is truly on hurting me. I’ve spent enough time being negative about all of this and I have let him go but my actions have shown otherwise like me telling me that girl he’s a bum and blah blah…I should have said that I think he’s busy working on himself and he’ll be a Dad when he’s ready. Because that’s saying that yeah he’s pretty much absent but putting a positive spin on it. I don’t want to come across bitter or hateful ever again. I don’t want these people to know that all of this still gets to me because that means he’s still winning.

Whether people know he’s absent and owes a bunch of CS or not, it’s never helped our situation and it never will. Until he’s ready to grow up, I need to fully accept everything and I need to do that by not talking negatively about him anymore to anyone. I now understand why his brother would get so agitated with me. I’m sorry that I’ve drug people down by talking about him so much and it’s like I literally couldn’t stop myself. It’s like the more I talked about him the more I wanted to because I just wanted to feel better but it made me feel worse.

I need to forgive him. I know he’s not sorry nor will he ever be but I need to be able to be okay with my situation for my own mortality. It’s time to let go of the sadness and the anger. I want him to move on so I don’t know why I told that girl such negative things. I know I wouldn’t want him to do that to me. I played my part in this too and I just hope to make better choices with my words the next time. We both have done everything to hurt each other and it’s time for at least one of us to stop. I know that I’ve definitely been the most reasonable one in all of this but I’ve definitely done plenty to be an asshole as well.

I know that I can’t go on being bitter and angry. I know that I’m just downright vindictive where I can’t wait until the day he has to face the judge on not paying CS but I’ve let his actions rule my life for so long that I can’t do it anymore. I’ve held onto my anger for so long that I don’t know who I am without it. He’s done so much to sabotage my freedom and my social life that it’s like I want to do it back to him. I have a lot of reasons of why I want to get at him but that makes me just like him.