Fuck this feeling in Phoenix Rises Again

Got super anxiety today during a video chat with Chey. I dont think it was about the call or about her. I think it was always there and I’ve just been burying it and distracting myself with phone games and tv and anything that will keep my mind off Jay for a while. I was doing pretty good there for a bit. Imagining my life with Chey and enjoying having a girlfriend for once. But it always goes back to Jay. I miss him so much. I miss Jay that would never lie to me and Jay who got super excited about the smallest things and Jay with the crazy dramatic expressions when hes surprised. I miss Jay before he felt he had to put his mask back on for me so I wouldnt see the real him underneath. Jay who was awkward and weird. Jay who always wanted to dissect something and planned to join the army so he could kill someone. I miss Jay who always gave the best advice he could even if it would hurt. I miss my best friend Jay. How long did I spend waiting for him to fall for someone else so we could just be friends without him always trying so hard to make it more? And now that he’s happily married I just don’t get to see him at all.

And it makes me question my feelings for Chey. Do I really love her? I thought I did. But if I do why do I miss Jay so much more than her right now? Why is it his arms I want to feel loving me? Why does a life with her but without Jay seem so dreary? Why cant I ever picture a happy life without Jay? I need to. Because he’s probably never coming back. But I can’t. I took my meds so why do I feel like crying? Why cant I focus on anything? Why do I have no motivation to do anything I need to do? I finally for three ahifts a week at work and more by Chey on the weekend so why am I dreading that. Finally found a good premed program so why am I not applying? Why haven’t I checked my sons school project? Or done laundry? Or planned my campaign? Or done anything productive at all? Why am I feeling so down today? Maybe my period is about to start? Idk. I just need the stress to go away. I just want a hug.....from Jay.

Just keep going.