Health Insurance. in Since OD is shutting down....

Okay so my brother did come and get my kid which is great but I hope she won’t be over there too late because we still need to do dinner and bath. It wasn’t last weekend but the weekend before, they didn’t dump her off until about 6pm and then it was me rushing to get her something to eat and her bath which I hate because then it takes longer for her to unwind and go to sleep and then I have to worry about her being tired at school.

I really got the bill from my injection yesterday and it was $3,300!!! Thank God almighty that I have insurance because that’s a lot of money! I now have to do ablations and go 3 times so I can only imagine how much I would end up owing if I didn’t have insurance. It’s bullshit to know that if I get a job, I lose my insurance and then I would spend the rest of my life paying that off. It’s like they want to punish you for working! Another thing, I don’t know where I would work and what kind of job I could handle because I’m in constant pain and I know that I wouldn’t be able to work full time so I’d probably not make enough to cover my bills and then have to worry about making payments on my medical bills.

It’s just crazy how they want you stuck in the system and if you get a job, even part time you either lose your benefits or they are cut down so you have to rely on your paychecks where you don’t make nearly enough and then whatever help you were getting is just not there anymore. I literally feel so stuck right now. I just pray to God that the ablations work so I can plan to start working at some point. I think it would be more effective for people to get benefits if they are working because then they get to keep their benefits. To me, it would make more sense to help people that are working then the ones who aren’t, especially if there’s not a valid reason.

But yeah, about the Summer program. I’m mentally preparing myself to be devastated and super pissed off. I just think all the people who have kids that can put them in other programs should HAVE to so that people like me are pretty much promised a spot. I also think that all the parents who can afford to pay for the programs should have to because they are in a position to do so. They should also go by income and who actually needs care because so many of these people don’t need it, but are abusing the free childcare so that they can sit around and be drunk all day.

I’m just really stressed and making myself sick. I hate when I do this to myself but I just wish I had more people to talk to. I hate being alone in my head so much. It’s getting late in the day and I’m waiting to hear from my brother about when my kid will be coming back. I’m ready to get her down for the night.

I think about how much this guy has used me and my good heart and how much it only benefitted himself. I remember about 3 years ago when he went and worked under the table where he made a grip of cash and all I asked for was for him to buy her a backpack and a pair of shoes and he didn’t even do that. He used me for a ride back to town and then lived off me for a couple of days. He wanted to get fast food where I thought he was going to pay for it and waited until we got up to the window to pay and then informed me that he didn’t have any money. I still don’t believe that he left there without getting paid. He just wanted to get as much off me as he could. I saw a post a couple of years ago where some girl took him somewhere like 6 hours away where he was supposed to pay her back and never did so obviously this is a pattern for him.

I’m angry at how much this guy has pulled on me. He owed his child thousands of dollars even then and still did this. That’s another reason why I don’t want him in my car. I refuse to ever give him another ride. I think it’s enough for me to agree to let him see her, it’s up to him to find transportation to do so. It’s not my fault or problem that he doesn’t have a car and I will never give him another ride. I remember one time we had gotten fast food and he turned around and told his girlfriend that that’s all I feed my daughter. It’s like everything I do he uses against me. He’s also tried to critisize my parenting but he’s never been around to even make judgments about it!

I also think about that Summer when his Mom watched her and left all the kids by themselves the whole night and I still wonder if he knew. I remember having to pay her for her to babysit which is absolute bullshit in itself when she has never even tried to be a part of her life. There’s been times where he’s wanted to hang out and have me pay his family to babysit and never had any regard for the fact that I paid thousands for childcare all year just so that I could keep my fucking job! The guy is a fucking joke.

There’s just been so much that’s gone on that I will never trust him or his family ever again and I thank God every fucking day that we don’t have a court order and I don’t have to expose my child to those people.

I am still thinking about the idea of inviting him to just school functions but I know that wouldn’t be enough for my daughter and she would want to see him more than that and I definitely don’t want to have to explain why he can’t be in our home. I’m all about being transparent about everything but I don’t want to have to be too honest either. The other day when I asked if she remember what happened the last time we went and saw my friend, she told me everything that had happened and then asked if her Dad had talked to me that way and I said yes. It’s like the more honest I am with her, the more she wants.

This is her story and I’m going to be as open as I can without going into too much detail. I will no longer create a false reality. I spent enough time doing that. It’s also not fair to keep trying to protect these people because my daughter is seeing the truth by their absence and their behavior so I can only sugarcoat and defend so much anyway.