and we were just starting to get together in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

This is why it makes me sad. is cause we were just starting to get together. just like Pat & I. Pat & I got together for 4 months [well. we knew each other for that long] and then almost a yr. and a half ago [it'll be on. the 13th] he. well he died.

Not like Evan and I still can't get together. No but that's why I want to cause i'm afraid of losing him forever. I've told him I don't want it to be forever and I don't think he does either. I've had that w/ people. well I have that w/ my ex. who I saw. um. 5 months ago. and that was it was I literally saw him. i'm pretty sure it was him. it's been a yr. 6 months and almost another month since we broke up.

um but yeah. ever since Pat. left. and ever since I found out last Sept. that I found out via online that 10 yrs. ago this.........Oct. my other friend had. I've been all hypervigilant. and also scared. about getting to know new people. cause I feel like that'll happen again. I'll lose them. and while i'm right living - again - in fear isn't a good way to live. I don't feel like I can have another serious relationship. clearly i'm still not over my ex. and it's not like I have to or anything it's not required. and I don't feel like I can have another friend like. Pat. which yeah maybe not. I'll meet people that's not the issue. the issue is. I don't want them I want him. I want Pat. i'd still do anything [which evidently isn't a good thing to say] to have him back. but that'll never happen. And I want Evan. I don't want to get to know new people not really. [and if I don't want to do something then I probably won't].