Saturday morning. in Since OD is shutting down....

We’ve been up for awhile. I made eggs, sausage, and cinnamon rolls. I plan to get my daughter her bath so she’s ready when it’s time to go with her big sister. I haven’t heard from her yet because it’s still pretty early but I want to make sure my kid is ready. I plan to shower while she’s gone and then I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about my situation and realize that I’ve not always reacted the right way and there’s a lot I’ve done that’s parental alienation such as cutting off contact and threatening legal action. Reactive abuse is a real thing and I’m angry that this person has definitely brought out the worst in me and I’m full of regret that I’ve reacted the way that I have, multiple times. I just can’t take his abuse anymore. A lot of it has to do with how much he’s done to me and has never gotten in trouble for.

It’s like these type of people aren’t satisfied until they bring out the absolute worst in a person and they do it on purpose so they can play victim. I really wish when that girl messaged me back at the end of November that I would have handled it way differently. Saying that I was looking to get another protection order against him was stupid. I wish I wouldn’t have said anything at all and just blocked her. I normally don’t engage in any kind of conversation with these people, I guess it’s because I have let so much go and I’m tired of being silent. I just wish the guy would keep my name out of his fucking mouth and leave me to live my life like I’ve allowed him to live his own.

I think about my brother telling me that I can’t protect her forever but I’m going to protect her as long as I can and shield her as long as possible. There is no court order so I’m not obligated to expose her to this person. I question myself everyday and go back and forth on wondering should I just let her see him when he decides and know that she’s going to eventually see him for the monster that he is or continue to keep her from him to preserve her well being from this very toxic, unhealthy guy?

There’s a lot of people that talk about this stuff on Tik Tok and some say that it’s best to let kids see for themselves and make their own opinion which I get because then no one can say that you are standing in the way of any kind of relationship but I also will argue that my daughter isn’t old enough or mature enough to understand that he’s not in a place where he could be a Dad and just wants to create even more problems! I know that my daughter wouldn’t be able to understand that he’s not a good influence and I refuse to allow him to make more problems in my household. My daughter isn’t at the point where she would be able to process the things he tells her the right way and I’m terrified of what happened before to happen again.

It’s not my fault that he’s made the situation what it is and it’s not my responsibility to keep trying to make sure my daughter has a relationship with him. He’s made his bed and we need to let him lay in it. I just wish my brother would end all contact with the guy and leave well enough alone. If no one is giving him attention it’s better for everyone. Maybe someday he’ll care about his daughter and maybe he won’t but in the meantime, he’s not able to get any attention or be trying to hoover me back in either.

I really think it’s funny how men like this leave you to raise a whole ass human by yourself where you make all the sacrifices, figure everything out on your own and make all the decisions and that’s all well and good until it’s not suiting them or their selfishness and then it’s a problem. I also think it’s great how he says everything is all my way and he has to do what I say or he doesn’t get to see her, acting like I have no reason to try and put forth boundaries or stipulations after he’s been absent and then has tried to poison and manipulate her against me. I’m sure if my brother were to tell him that he could see her as long as I wasn’t there and that the visit would be supervised, he wouldn’t be interested because he has only ever cared to see her as long as he’s gotten to see me and things are exactly as he wants them.

We’re to just forget how he treated me my whole pregnancy, the threats he’s made, how he’s treated his own child, the fact that he blantantly refuses to do anything to help raise her and contribute in a healthy way and lives his life like she doesn’t exist but as soon as he asks to see her, I’m to just move mountains so he can come around and play Daddy for the day. I would have a little bit of a soft spot if I knew it’s because he had a genuine interest in seeing her but when I know it’s because he’s bored, there might be an audience, or he needs new photos for social media, I’m not going to let him use MY daughter for that nonsense. I love her more than life itself and there’s just no way I’m going to let someone take advantage of my good heart and hers for their own selfish gain.

I just don’t know where you’d think it’s okay to do this to your child or feel entitled to KEEP doing it. There’s just absolutely no regard to how this affects her at all and that’s the part that makes and keeps me from considering letting him see her. I remember telling him months ago that she was struggling in school after he’d been around and him saying, “who’s fault is that” because he refuses to consider he could be to blame and it’s like okay well remember that the next time you’d like to see her too!! All I know is I won’t allow him to come around again because I ain’t going to have my life and my schedule turned upside down for 2 months again because he wants to fill her head with a bunch of lies and turn her against me and not care how much this adult stuff gets to her!

This shit doesn’t affect his ability to get or keep a job so he doesn’t care. He’s never had to worry about his child at all so he doesn’t think anything is his problem so I am going to keep doing what I’m doing and living my life and give my daughter the best version of me that I can without the added bullshit. I’m angry at his absence and his toxic presence. Again, be careful who you choose to lay down with because you will have a lifetime of consequences while they get to parade around with no consequences whatsoever. For someone to only be involved at their choosing and just to cause problems is a fucking monster and no one will ever change my mind about that.

The fact that he’s continued to create so much strife and chaos this many years in in a good indicator that things are never going to improve and I will not waste another second trying to effectively communicate with him or involve him with my child. He never wanted to be a Dad to begin with. He thought having a child meant that he was always going to have someone to fall back on and an open door. Someone to accept the crazy for themselves and for their child. I believe he’s evil and he was sent straight from the devil himself.

Sometimes I wonder what I did so wrong to have him for my child’s father and how I wish I could go back and change it all but then I wouldn’t have her. I know I had her with the wrong guy but without him, I wouldn’t have the same child and I wouldn’t change her for anything. It’s just mind blowing that he gave me the best gift I ever got but it’s come with more anger and pain than I have ever known. I look at my child and want to reach out to him and say so much but it would just lead to more pain and anger. Not saying anything leaves me with pain and anger. Questioning myself on cutting him off comes with pain and anger.

I don’t think anyone knows how much all of this gets to me. Most of the time when I’ve talked about it, I express a lot of anger but not much about sadness and how I lay awake some nights wishing he was different. It rocks me knowing that he would rather be sleeping around and going to the bar than being with us, being a Daddy to the best little girl in the whole world. That he’s always chosen to be selfish and that she wasn’t enough for him to ever truly care about her. I worry about how this will affect her relationships with men because she’s never known love from him.

He’s always said that I’m oppressed but really, it’s him. He’s made it clear that nothing matters but his own feelings.