7/30/14 in --

Lorelei just melts me. I cannot stop smelling her and I want to hold her and snuggle her all day. She is a super awesome baby too. She is a champion nurser, easy to get to sleep, sleeps through everything (her brother can get pretty loud, especially with his tantrums lately), and she's just very laid back. When she's awake, she just hangs out and watches everything. She is hungry a lot, my little piggie girl. <3

Cannon has been kind of a nightmare, although I do know that is expected with such a huge adjustment and he's about to turn two. Not a good combo. I love him sooo much, but lately I just don't know what to do with him. Meltdown after meltdown, and constant defiance.

Yesterday Jacob went to the grocery store and left me alone with the kids. I think it was 1.5 to 2 hours, but by the end of it I was bawling my eyes out because I could not handle my toddler (I know part of it is sleep deprivation, but the other part is just... desperation). He was doing everything in his power to get into trouble, and I yelled and I just broke down in front of him. I feel like such a shitty mother. He just laughed at me the whole time. He scratches me, pinches me, bites me, headbutts me, hits me, throws things at me, ignores me and/or laughs at me when I ask him to do something. Time out doesn't do anything, negative reinforcement doesn't work, and neither does reasoning with him, or giving him choices. Wtf else am I supposed to do?

He went to bed at 11pm last night and got up at 9am this morning. It was amazing. But tonight? It's almost 1am and he's still awake with no end in sight.

I'm at my wit's end here. I don't know what I am going to do when Jacob goes back to work. I'm so depressed and overwhelmed just thinking about it. I NEED Jacob's help with him. :(

We had a meeting with his therapist today. She'll be coming to our house once a week to work on his speech, eating, and sleeping. So hopefully the things she suggests to us will help. I am worried about it though.

I really wish that I could just drop a ton of weight at once so I can just wear normal clothes again. I also haven't been able to shower in a couple of days because I am just too busy. and tired. That too. I'm not unhappy or depressed though. I am just unsatisfied with some things currently. I didn't seem to get baby blues or PPD this time around, thankfully. At least, not yet... I'm terrified to it coming back to haunt me.