Sick. in Since OD is shutting down....

Last week I had a stomach bug which only lasted a couple of days but it took the rest of the week to get back to my normal self. This week I caught a cold from my niece and it's horrible. My throat hurts horribly, my muscles are sore or tired feeling and I have a killer headache. I'm hoping work won't be too hard on me tonight and I'd like to be off by 10pm. It never fails, every summer I manage to get a cold. I was hoping I wouldn't this year but I didn't get so lucky. Damn it.

Work is going okay. It's about as good as it can get at this point I suppose. I'm glad I have a job. Even on the days where I'd rather die than go there, I am grateful to have a job and I'm able to take care of myself.

I went to Walmart last night when I got off at midnight to get cough drops and cough syrup and that guy I hung out with a couple of weeks ago was there and in front of me in line! I seriously couldn't handle being uncomfortable so I left that line and went to the self checkout. It was horrible because it took forever due to waiting for a cashier to come over and override my cough syrup and what not and I seriously thought I was going to have a panic attack. I HATE being in uncomfortable situations especially when I don't feel like I have control on when I get to get away from it. I was just glad I walked away before he had the chance to say anything to me.

I have an hour before work. I just wish I felt better. My throat hurts so bad even with cough drops and my head hurts like crazy. I just want to get this crap out of the way because next week I'm gonna have like 4 days off work and plan to party with my brother and his girlfriend.

Oh and I realize that PMS is to blame for my loneliness, suicidal, unpredictable crap that has been going on. If I didn't have PMS, my mood would stay stable where I'm okay with what's going on around me. I think no matter what it's always going to bother me that I am by myself and I have no help whatsoever, no partner to share my life with but most of the time I'm good with it because being alone is what I know and even if I met someone today, it would take me a long time to ever really rely on anyone anyways.

It's crazy to know I've never really had anyone I could count on for much and I don't ever see myself finding someone who would be any different. In this day and age, most people are very selfish and all about their own needs and wants so I think the chances of me finding someone who would come into my life and would actually help cook, clean, pay bills and want to have kids seems very slim. I don't think what I'm looking for actually exists. I do think it's possible to find someone because it's happened to people I know but I don't think it's possible to find the right guy for a girl like me.

I know that from being raped, having an abusive Dad growing up and not growing up in a house with parents who had a healthy relationship has a lot to do with my life now. I just hope someday to find someone who can accept me for me and my past and maybe even has a lot in his past so he can understand where I'm coming from. I've met a lot of dudes even in the past couple of months that I liked enough to want to get to know better but then they decided to dip out and I realize that I have a lot I need to work on, deal with, and make peace with before I even consider bringing someone into my life.

Being lonely really does suck because it's made me do and say a lot of things I wouldn't normally have if I wasn't so lonely but when you are in a bad place mentally, it affects every aspect of your life. I'm glad that school starts in less than a month so I will have that to focus on too. I am happy to have gotten a break but still very focused on getting my degree so I can hopefully get a better job so I can buy a house and get a better car.

I had a dream last night that my ex John committed suicide right in front of me. That he shot himself 3 times in the head. It really scared me and freaked me out so I looked it up online to figure out what a dream like that could mean and it said there's several different reasons and one of them is that I feel powerless in some aspect of my life and another reason is that I am supposed to give up on something. I don't know what exactly except probably not running back to him when I get lonely and need someone's touch. I know I don't want him back or even have feelings for him at this point but it just feels good to have someone tell me how beautiful I am, to cuddle with me, to make love to me the way I like it...I am human and I do have needs and I'd rather run to him that a stranger.

Anyways so I got a little bit of insight on that girl from my work that I hung out with the other night. My manager told me that she will snap her finger at one of our bartenders, that she waits until the whole kitchen is clean to order food, she got stupid drunk one night and threw up everywhere so my manager and his girlfriend had to not only clean up after her but had to get her a hotel room. She told me about that night she got drunk and said it was totally out of character for her and because she has such a massive crush on my manger, I'm starting to believe she did it for attention. I don't know, there's just something about this girl that I can't quite put my finger on but I'm the kind of person that no matter what people say about others, I'm still willing to give everyone a chance to prove they aren't the douchebags everyone makes them out to be but now that I've hung out with her and I've heard so much about her and all of it's negative, I have absolutely no interest on hanging out with her ever again. I'm all about giving people the benefit of the doubt but sometimes I think it's more I give people chances just because I'm lonely but another reason why I don't care to hang out with her is because a lot of people I work with can't fucking stand her and I've always had an issue with hanging out or dating people that everyone else hates and then I'm having to constantly defend the situation to people and I don't want to do that anymore.

I find it hard to meet normal, decent people. I don't know if a lot of has to do with where I live or what but a lot of the people here are just pieces of shit. It just seems like most of the people here are just out to use others and just get whatever they can get and then move on the the next person. I'm just sick of everyone I meet wanting to use me in some way and it sucks because it would be super nice to have people I could call friends or have a boyfriend that was just around because I'm a cool person and don't have to buy people's affection.

I'm almost ready for work. I really wish I could just stay home and lay on the couch but I can't. It sucks to not be able to call in because not only is there no one to cover me but then my check will be fucking short. I really can't wait until I can get a real fucking job.

Time for work.