Sitting. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’m just drinking coffee thinking about stuff. I tried to get McDonald’s for breakfast but they said the server was down and I wasn’t about to pay full price for my usual $1 coffee so I just came home and made my own. I also made myself an omelet and I’ve been eating at home more to save money and I’ve actually lost 5 pounds. I see my specialist for my back in the morning and I’m anxious to see what he says.

So there’s a wage withholding for DB. I never get excited because he likes to get hired at places and not show up or quit before CS can garnish. I know he’s got a girl to poke on so hopefully she’ll stick around because he always needs validation from others to be working but once she’s gone, the job will be gone too just like back in December. Again, it must be nice to pick and choose when you support your child. His birthday is coming up in like a week so that’s another reason why the job probably won’t last as well.

I’m still thinking about the Summer program stuff and I just have a pretty strong feeling that we won’t have something for her the whole break. I’m really hoping for it but judging from the past 2 Summers, I’m not going to have my hopes up too high. I’m actively looking for work but now I’m kinda scared to get hired somewhere because there’s a chance I may not have childcare so not sure what to do. It’s really stressful because it gets really hard finding stuff to do everyday and it’s like the Summer just wears on and on and no matter what you do, you’re just bored and sick of the heat and it just drags.

Another thing. I’ve canceled my move. I let my landlord know a few minutes ago. She definitely didn’t sound shocked. We went through this last year as well. I just said that it’s just next to impossible trying to find housing where I’m trying to go so I’ll try again in a year or two. I plan to wait until my daughter is older and where it would be less likely for me to need anyone to watch her outside of school. I just don’t want to be in a spot where I would have to leave her with people I don’t feel are capable of taking care of her the right way.

I really wish my friend wouldn’t have pulled all the shit on me that he has because I KNOW I would have made more effort to move there a year ago but some of the shit he’s done IMO is unforgivable and I refuse to ever allow him control over me again. I think he has a lot of really unhealed parts of himself that get exposed whenever he’s in a position to control and manipulate other people. I just refuse to put myself in an extremely vulnerable situation like that ever again where I’m basically risking jail time and potentially getting arrested with my child there and we are HOURS away from home.

It makes me very sad and angry to think about the fact that a ‘friend’ would put me in a situation such as this and not even think to apologize. I honestly believe the end goal for him is to get me to react to the point of me going to jail so that I can experience the same shit he’s gone through and so he can turn around and put all the focus on me being ‘crazy’ instead of what he did to provoke it. I definitely think he’s a typical run of the mill narc and he’s a really good person to keep my distance from.

One of the things I was thinking about this morning was how his friend helped keep me there because she could have told him to just give me my money so I could leave but she wanted me to stay. Personally, I would rather people stay because they want to, not because they are being held somewhere especially when they said numerous times they just wanted to go the fuck home! I think they both had their own agenda for my visit and everything went there way at my physically and emotional expense!

My daughter asked me the other day if we were going to visit and I asked her if she remembered what happened the last time we were there. She told me that when my friend was screaming and swearing at me that she covered his daughter’s ears and rolled up the window which just solidifies it for me that we are better off staying the fuck away. I’m truly saddened that not only my daughter remembers but that she was looking out for his kid the whole time he was being crazy!

My other friend tells me that I would make other friends there and what not but that also takes time. It definitely doesn’t happen over night and I don’t want to put up with a very toxic person in the mean time until I were to find another support system. I also don’t want to try and start over with a new school, an after school program and a new big sister. I called the school district the other day and they said there’s a waiting list and that they’re only taking kids that are currently enrolled so it could be a month or a year before I would be able to get her into an after school program which means my schedule would be even more limited for getting a fucking job.

I also really like my daughter’s school here. She’s has an incredible teacher and principal. I also love her after school program. We also waited almost 6 months to get her a big sister and there’s just so much of this that I don’t want to start over with nor do I want to have to wait to get her into! Again, I think it’s best to figure out life here first and be in a really good position physically, mentally, and financially before we make the move.

Another thing is my friend there really enjoys cutting me down. He knows my situation that I am a single Mom with no village and that doesn’t stop him from talking down to me and making me feel worse about not having a job or the fact that I do have several health problems that I have finally started being able to address. I think he truly likes the predicament I’m in so that it makes him feel better about his own. I believe that he’s miserable and likes to project that onto others.

I saw a meme on Facebook about most of the people you love don’t give a fuck about you and I don’t think I’ve ever read anything more true. I also believe that most of the people in my life really don’t care about my situation.