Tuesday - 29.07.14 in Your Face

I feel like I'm just in this void where all I do is mess around online, snooze and watch tv. I am lazy and tired and losing track of time. I'm freaking depressed as anything.

I am fighting myself, and while at times I can feel myself relaxing and letting go of the stress, at other times I am so on edge I can barely sit still. I tell myself not to push things, to just let it happen when it happens, as it has done for me a million times before. It's not a coincidence that things fall into place for me once I stop swimming against the current ... But it's so hard not to. It's like jumping out of a plane and trusting that your parachute will catch you. What if it doesn't?

And so I monitor my paid survey sites - I've made $16 over two days from one site (PureProfile), which is quite positive. The other two sites are really ordinary (Rewards Central and MyOpinions), but I can roll my points together for those two, so I'll keep checking them. I figure, I have ample time on my hands right now and a few bucks is a few bucks.

It's funny how, having no money at all, I am magically surviving without spending money. It just goes to show how bad I am with money and impulse buys. I have not gone hungry, thanks to my stockpile of food, my mother buying a few groceries for bulk meals, and my neighbour's generosity. I haven't needed to go anywhere, other than to take my neighbour to the supermarket, so I still have half a tank of fuel in my car. I have phone and internet credit, so I am doing quite well.

I drank my 2L of water today, for the first time in weeks. I still feel thirsty, but don't want to get up to pee hourly through the night, so I'll wait until morning and keep guzzling. I have dark circles under my eyes, and when I get dehydrated, my eyes seem to sink into their sockets and the circles look much worse. I really need to keep the water up and to try some dietary changes to see if I can lighten the circles.

I was worrying about what M will think when he sees me - I am 10kg heavier than I was when he left, my hair is much longer and I am paranoid that I have aged. I know I am being silly, though. When we first got together, I was a bit fatter than I am now, and he was absolutely attracted to me. My weight has gone up and down three times now since we have been together and he has never wavered in his attraction to my body. He might like the longer hair, I don't know. As for ageing, well ... He's 11 years older than me. He has aged well, but he's 40 now, and finally starting to get a few wrinkles. It doesn't matter. I guess I just haven't quite shaken the old body worries. I anticipate dropping some pounds once I get there, anyway. M eats much better than I do, and encourages me to eat sensible portions. I have been unchecked, and eating to try and stave off loneliness.