This Time It's The Worst I Have Ever Been... in Me Being Me

This round of depression is the worst I have ever seen in myself and it’s already lasted a year and it seems like nothing will fix it. Everyday I wake up and see that nothing has gotten fixed I go inot a more deeper depression and I hate myself for not being more forceful. And I should have reported her a long time ago before things got this bad.
So now I feel like the landlady doesn’t care if I live or die and she has no intentions of fixing anything so it’s livable here. I can not undertsand why landlords just don’t care about their property because I see when this place gets sold that there will be not many who want this. And if they do they have to demolish the house and build something else.
I can’t understand why bother fixing something that will still be broken after a short time of puting the band aid on it?
So I have decided that I am just going to wait and watch things get worse here and then when she says why didn’t you tell me I will tell her I did and she said it was fine and didn’t need any work.
And the other day I found dead wood bugs in the laundry room and it looks like there is more sawdust and more dead bugs and all she does to fix that is use this spray that really doesn’t work. I have asked her to take the wood off the ceiling and clean out where the bugs are but she said no. So the saw dust and the dead bugs falling is an ongoing thing that will never end. And it looks like to me that the black on the wall is getting darker. I don’t know if it’s because of the cold air or if it hasn’t been cleaned?
If I could actually get started and get the supplies needed to clean and fix things I might feel like I have a home and just not some place I rent and get no enjoyment out of. And the things I can clean always looks better because I do the best job I can and it always looks near perfect. So maybe it’s time I start fixing what I can and go from there. But the thing is I have to be in the right head space so I do a good jib and right now my head space is just not there.
And I have decided that when I have to go to where the landlady lives and see that poor dog on a leach just sitting there with no water and barking at me and everyone else that I will be doing things like checking the mail and doing garbage duty when I know the idiot dog is inside and not seeing me. Because I really don’t like dogs that are not trained or disaplined. The only kind of dogs I don’t mind are the ones that are trained and listen. The training is a life time thing with dogs and even cats because they have to always do what they have been trained to do like sit and come and play catch.

Onto something else…

I got some new toys yesterday. I got an electric flosser and an electric toothbrush and my head phones came. But with the head phones I don’t need them now because I had the wax taken out the other day so I can hear the TV at a normal level. But I am going to try to hook them up. And I got some kitchen toys also.

Onto something else..

Tonight for dinner I am thinking pork chops or some sort of sea food. Or maybe something with ground beef.

Onto something else…

I found out that I have about 40% hearing loss so I am looking for a place that will take my insurance and then I can get them and hear everything.
I am not afraid to get hearing aids it’s just that I know the wax build up will be more then what it is and then I will have to get it removed more often and I can only go to the ENT twice a year.

Onto something else…

I need to stop here....
Do have a great day..
Be Kind, Be calm, Be Safe, and Behave.

Last updated April 27, 2023