THE EID MUBARAK AND AN 'UNWANTED' DISCOVERY in THE REALITY SOAP: AFTER DAD'S FUNERAL

Well, I’m finally home now with my family. I’ll be home for just a week on this holiday. As usual, there’ll be a lot of things to do – along with the family gatherings and stuff.

For some people, this holiday is a time for self-discovery (or rediscovery?) and acknowledging what they think has never really existed before. It can be scary as hell, but some people say it’s worth a try. Some things shouldn’t be left unspoken, because we might never really know the possibilities.

Since that fateful Sunday, some things have changed.

I went back to work on Monday. We were anxiously waiting for the new president on July 22. People had been worried, because there might have been a riot. Patrols were everywhere.

So, yes. Mr.Jokowi is our new president now, despite the still on-going protests from Prabowo and the people on his side. (Ugh, grow up, people! Get over it and move on.) The streets were clear, almost empty. So many people had already fled home since 2:30 in the afternoon, just to be on the safe side.

I crossed the road by taking the bridge from work to school. They were having a breakfasting event, inviting everyone at work – even the part-time Saturday teachers. (Me!)

I’d also wanted to prepare my lesson plans for my Saturday classes. But of course, with other distractions around, it didn’t happen that night.

By the time I arrived at the training room (where dinner was served), they were posing for photo-shoots. When Tony B. saw me, he stretched his arm out to me – beckoning me to come over to him. I did, and soon I was standing next to him for more pictures – with his arm around me and mine around him, us smiling to the cameras. I even pressed my cheek against his chest and he didn’t seem to mind. It felt...I don’t know, warm? It felt warm and...normal. Natural and safe, as if I’d been doing it all my life and that he was used to having me around too.

That single thought had stopped me for a second. My heart skipped a beat.

Whoa, okay – so what’s going on here? What’s wrong with me? Am I...is this...

NO!

I quickly squashed that crazy thought off. I didn’t want to start letting it affect me, but the feeling was already there.

And I had another strong feeling that it wasn’t going to go away that easily.

I’d planned to hang out with Indri after preparing for my Saturday classes. Well, none of that happened that night. Vince suggested that we all go to Anomali Cafe again after that – and I automatically agreed after Tony B. said yes to the idea. I didn’t know why.

So, off we went to Anomali Cafe that night. (Olive and another new staff soon-to-be-transferred to Bali, Duma and Girusi, Vince and Vinny – alias The Sweetmans, Tony B. and I.) The rain was a light drizzle. I was sharing a black umbrella with Tony B., holding onto his arm just a bit. I’d texted Indri, asking her to catch up with us there whenever she could.

She never showed up, though. Bad timing, probably.

Wednesday night’s writers’ club was boring. Most of them turned up late – and I had to put up with the first guy (whom I didn’t really like, because of his loud mouth and ego) who’d turned up first. In the end, I was the only girl among the guys – but that was okay. At least Begz was there too, so it wasn’t so bad.

I was sick with cold on Thursday. A fancy dinner at “E&O” (Eastern and Oriental) Restaurant, Mega Kuningan, with the whole staff of the company had cheered me up, but still couldn’t help me to battle the cold. I couldn’t get up from bed on Friday morning; my head was spinning from a migraine and my body was seriously burning up from the inside. I was running a temperature.

I texted Charles an apology for not being able to come to work that day before blacking out again until noon. I still couldn’t get up at all, so I blacked out again...until 3:00 pm.

That means I had lost about three quarters of the day in bed. I was energetically drained. What a record!

When I finally managed to get up and get dressed, I decided to walk to school. Why? I still needed to prep for my Saturday classes. Silly fool, I know.

“Hey,” Tony B. greeted me the moment I was there. He caught a sight of my still pained expression and instantly frowned. “Are you okay?”

I had to tell him the truth about my condition. He cringed. As usual, I worried him again. Bad habit. I hated what I did.

“Then you need to get something to eat.”

So I did. I talked to some people while preparing for my Saturday classes. (At last!) I wished Hellen good luck, because it was her last day before her maternity leave. (She’s going to be a mother soon. YAY!) I bid farewell to Stephen, who’d be moving to Bali soon.

Once again, I need to remind myself the reality of working there: people come and go. Some return, some just don’t.

I ended up hanging out with Indri for the rest of the night. We had dinner at Gula Merah (oddly translated as “Brown Sugar”, when ‘merah’ actually means ‘red’.) It’s an Indonesian restaurant in Setiabudi One.

“Why don’t you just give it a try with Tony B.?”

“Excuse me?” I’d nearly choked on my piece of meat. Somehow, when I looked at Indri’s serious expression, I couldn’t get angry with her bluntness. She really meant business.

“Come on, girl – it’s obvious,” she went on as I blinked, trying to regain my composure – sadly to no avail. “From the way you’ve been talking about him lately. Tony this, Tony that.”

“He reminds me of Dad.”

Indri shrugged. “So what?” she challenged me. “That happens to a lot of girls. They tend to like guys who remind them of their fathers, because – after all – a father is the first man in a girl’s life.”

Oh, God. Really?

“I don’t know.” I sighed. Now I realised that I wasn’t just imagining those feelings. “But he’s leaving in December. I’m not sure-“

“You still have time.” There was sheer determination in her voice, as if telling me what my life really depended on. “You still have time, but don’t wait too long. Your only chance with him might pass if you don’t give this your best shot.”

I sighed, realising what I knew I could no longer ignore or even push aside. “I care about him so much.” And I’m going to miss him so much too when he’s not here anymore. “But, what if he doesn’t feel the same way? I don’t want him to get the wrong idea about me.”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try to find out,” Indri pressed the point. “Remember: Y.O.L.O.”

You only live once. Right.

That night, I couldn’t sleep at all. (No surprise.) I went online. My big brotherly best friend Hazel Eyes (a.k.a. Tony D. – or the gay Tony) was online too. It was already four in the morning and he was wondering why I was still awake, knowing I’d be teaching on Saturday.

“You’re hilarious.” He shook his head and smirked, which I could see from the screen as we chatted on Skype. “You’re sick, but staying up late and still going to work.”

“I want to see Tony B. more while he’s here, before he’s leaving in December.”

A dead giveaway. Hazel Eyes smiled mischievously.

“Ahh, I think I know what’s been going on with you lately.” I felt a familiar lump forming in my throat when he said that. My eyelids felt heavy, weighted by something warm – threatening to fall. “You have a crush on him!”

That did it. I burst in tears; he could see that all too well on camera. His beautiful hazel eyes saddened.

“Hey, hey, come on,” he whispered softly, trying to console me as always – like a big brother. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” I shook my head, then buried my now wet face in my hands. I sobbed painfully as I looked at him again. “I don’t want these feelings.”

“But you’re only human,” he reminded me. “I think you should tell him how you feel. You need to do what you feel is right.”

Right. Since that was the only reason I could get away with, I thought hard for a while. I had to assess the situation carefully. Religion issues. (Yep, again!) The placement/distance factor. The age factor. (Tony B. is already in his fifties that he and Ma can practically be siblings! I’m 32 going on 33.)

“I have a week of holiday to think,” I broke the silence. “I need to be really sure of one thing, though.”

“What is it?”

“That this is not only because I’m still missing Dad...”

--- // ---

On her last day at work, Indri gave me these:

• Tonya Reiman’s “The Body Language of Dating”. (Haha, I know I still suck at this...badly. I also know that she always means well.)

• Black and silvery grey nail-polishes. (“Please, you need to stop biting your nails – like seriously!”)

“Thanks for everything.” We hugged. I realised that I wasn’t just missing a really good friend, but also a sister. She’s been so supportive of me, even when I still can’t give anything back. She’s the true Ms.Independent here.

“It’s alright, love.”

“I’m scared.”

“Don’t be,” she said. “Remember...Y.O.L.O.”

“Right.”

Tony B., I hope you won’t hate me for this...

R.