april 11, 2011 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'ok so I know I wrote part of this earlier this a.m. and then evidently crashed from 4 - 8:55 a.m. so didn't finish the entry. so a bit of a repeat.entry.

'

........but that's. not good.

[so, obviously. ED].

god i'm sleepy. 3:50 a.m.

For the longest time I've equated not eating w/ losing control. Now, I'll admit. I'm sporadic neurotic. And yeah a bit uptight. I'm a controlling person. sure i'm not mean about it...........in fact if you barely knew me at most you'd be 'yeah she's a bit uptight. anxious'. at most.

No but I am. I always have to be doing something. And w/ the anorexia I wasn't. I'd get so sick that I. didn't. and up untill now it was always 'yeah ok well there's that'. like ok.........well at least that way i'm not doin a thing. So it's like I turn to that when I need that. [well i mean yeah. that's how addictions start].'

and up untill this point I always thought that was a good thing. cause that way i'm not doin anything. [yes i'm aware that's redundant].

And that's why relapsing was so good for me. as was intimacy. and sleep. [not that I sleep well].

yes ok i may have a point [thank you, carrie fisher] but.........why does it have to be that damn big in order to get me to listen? because otherwise. i won't. i'm too independent and strong-willed to listen to anything smaller. or small at all.

[well shit at least that right there proves i'm strong-willed].

if it's making me sick then is it really worth it? well............i know the answer to that now. i guess i've always known i just. wasn't ready to admit it to myself. no not that much.

i don't listen if i'm not sick. i really don't. yeah and that's really damn sad.

you have to get to the point where you start to fukin hate yourself before you can climb back up. 'cause if you don't.........it won't mean as much. it sucks and it's not a great learning tactic. oh god no. you might not like it as i, in fact, don't. But it is one.

i don't like myself. not that i did before but i really don't when i'm this sick. It's just like when I'd get that damn wasted. I know what I have to do and I'm finally ready to more than ever. I don't like myself when I'm that drunk either. it's horrible. but obviously there's a part of me that gets off on it. what that is i'm not yet sure nore am i asking to know. so Please.DON'T.tell me.

I need to love him more than I do either of my diseases. W/ the drinking I was starting to. I haven't had a drink in 2 weeks. I want to do that w/ my anorexia too. i really do.