april 12, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'Ok onto Part C

Part C: Communication/right up front instead of waiting

I'm not the greatest w/ communication. In fact that's how I communicate. is I don't. I'm an avoider. a runner. an escapist. [again. no wonder Houdini fascinates me. i'm just like him in that sense]. And w/ a few exceptions whenever someone did something I didn't like I never told them. And in the past whenever I did/have I've taken awhile to do so. I'm not the type to jump in w/ both ft. Ya know?

And............lately.............whereas w/. well.um. James recently has told me that he wants to tell him straightaway if he did something. Yeah ok I get that. But for years that hasn't been how I've operated. frankly it's a bit much and a bit rushed.

I'm trying to work on the communication thing. A little. You know, being like 'hold on' or 'give me a sec' or 'i'm thinking'. or, after awhile, being like 'we need to talk' when what I really mean is I want to talk to him. Not, he gets a say. [well that's a bit rude. wow].

I don't know how much I can work on at this point. It's not that I can't. [no since, as i've proven/detailed in prior recent entries, i can do anything i set my mind to].

I'm working on the communication thing a little. and that's all I'm ready to do at this point.

And I think honestly the reason this keeps bothering me so much is bc of how sick I've been. I've been nothing but physical lately and maybe that's not entirely a bad thing. [yeah, well. in a weird way that's a part of the anorexia. is connecting w/ my own damn physicality. I know it's a coping mechanism.................and fuk. fuk man. fact is it shouldn't even be one other than factually]. And bc I have been sick and focusing on that it. puts everything off. and it's getting really fuking annoying.

The reason, I don't bring things up straightaway is bc I don't want to do something I'll later regret. right and waiting is so much better.