april 15, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'Part B: the lesser of 2 evils/all or nothing

ok, so. It's always been an all-or-nothing deal. I either eat and deal w/ emotional shit or I............don't eat and don't. It's either complete physicality or complete emotions. Even if there is a middle ground that's not the point.

I don't remember the last time I spent so much time thinking about my own damn physicality. That used to be a really big thing for me. esp. as a dancer. And then, after the realisation this past Oct. that I'd been red [yet again] I didn't care about it. cause if he didn't then why should I? I'm not stupid [since] that's exactly why. No.............no i'm not stupid. I just don't cae. I'll destroy my body just like you destroyed my soul. hell yeah i'm angry. you'd be too.

I've had anorexia since I was 13. The first time I was red I was 17. that's 4 yrs. the 2nd time..............23. so 7 yrs. it took me 5 yrs. last time to learn to like myself. So I got 3 more yrs on me. i'll be..........27. unless something big happens by then i mean there's really no telling. [well sure if you think like that. yeah i know i know].

Up untill I was in college, no one said much about my ED. and then it stopped. and now it's back again.

ok so that's all there was for Part B.

Part B: the lesser of 2 evils/all or nothing

ok, so. It's always been an all-or-nothing deal. I either eat and deal w/ emotional shit or I............don't eat and don't. It's either complete physicality or complete emotions. Even if there is a middle ground that's not the point.

I don't remember the last time I spent so much time thinking about my own damn physicality. That used to be a really big thing for me. esp. as a dancer. And then, after the realisation this past Oct. that I'd been red [yet again] I didn't care about it. cause if he didn't then why should I? I'm not stupid [since] that's exactly why. No.............no i'm not stupid. I just don't cae. I'll destroy my body just like you destroyed my soul. hell yeah i'm angry. you'd be too.

I've had anorexia since I was 13. The first time I was red I was 17. that's 4 yrs. the 2nd time..............23. so 7 yrs. it took me 5 yrs. last time to learn to like myself. So I got 3 more yrs on me. i'll be..........27. unless something big happens by then i mean there's really no telling. [well sure if you think like that. yeah i know i know].

Up untill I was in college, no one said much about my ED. and then it stopped. and now it's back again.

ok so that's all there was for Part B.

Part C: tired of being good but tired of being sick/promises/accountable/no middle ground

actually this is/was meant to be typed up last wk. but, again. didn't happen. Last week, James made me promise that I'd eat 1 thing a day for him. yes for. him. And I was good I did that. But it was for him. not for me.

[and actually. some days I are more than 1 thing].

Near the end of the week I was like 'fukit no i can't i won't and you can't make me. no. you won't make me'. The funny thing was I didn't have enough energy to argue w/ him about that. And to tell him how angry I was. Except for this weekend.

I was tired of being good. of being held accountable for something I'd promised him.

but i was tired of being sick too.

there's no middle ground

7: why dont you see me? 8: promises & breakups selfishness, 9: here's what you can do,     10: no sick w/ parents,

6: anger/'eat' no/willpower having enough

Ok, so. This weekend, I was angry. And apparently, when I'm angry turns out I'm the silent-angry type. It takes a lot a fukin lot to actually make me angrylivid but.................I'm angry about a lot. No James & I are up at his [/his sister's] place in Arvada in bed and I'm angry about this whole. recoveryanorexiahimhelping crap.business. And I turn my back to him. [which I sometimes do when I need air/space]. and he's like, 'honey what is it?' ...............   a few mins. later 'sweethart'..........   and so forth.

And I don't say anything. No not even 'what' or 'no' or 'go away' or, even. 'fukoff'. at least that's a fukin response! ya know? yeah it's not nice but it's. fuk................ it's responding. my god.

Interesting thing here is, I haven't had much energy lately [even less so than usual] and yet I have the energy to be angry. And when he was at my place he had a um....................frenchbreadidea.............er...................the thingy. croissant* [yeah there we go] and he's 'here, eat' 'no' 'cmon' 'no'. and so it goes.

[btw i finally did].

Ok now hear me out. Please. Emotionally - and strictly purely only emotionally - it takes a fuking lot more willpower to not eat than it does to eat. Now, w/ that being said, I realise that um. I still have willpower even if/when I do eat. I just don't have as much.