april 17, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'Part D: i don't want to be 'everyone'./and sick again. and why do i want to set myself apart?/ i'm too inwardly focused i have been for yrs.

So, sometimes I'll do/say something - such as within the last few hrs getting actually physically sick - and I was tellin him about this and after, I'm like 'I'm so embarassed' and he goes 'why? everyone does that'.

well, i'm sorry but I don't want to be 'everyone'. I know he was trying - yes and that's exactly it. was trying - to help but..........he.........didn't. he made it worse. Being in the same group as 'everyone' makes me feel like I don't matter.

and so therefore. i don't want to be 'everyone'.

Ya know, it's interesting. I don't want to be alone and yet I set myself apart so that I ambecome.alone.

yes but why?

bc being ordinary just isn't enough for me.

No..............no......................no.................................

Part 5: so done w/ all of this. the anger. and such

So. I'm so done w/ all of this. the anger. w/ being angry w/ him at him. and not even for doing the right thing. [well i mean yeah that is why but........it's also not the point]. just the overall feeling of it. anger. it doesn't feel good. You know that feeling in your stomach when a feeling just doesn't feel good? Yeah I've had that the last few days.

Anger, for me, is very draining. which def. contributes to my depression. well at least then i'll have finally calmed down come down off - from? - this high. i guess/justliterallyrealised, that not all highs are, well.good.

But then there's everything that comes w/ the depression. I'm acting like it's all new. and it's really not. he's finally managed to break me down. yeah apparently according to him he's awesome like that. break down these walls and just make them cold the...........the pieces. and me. so i'm numbcalm.

anger is red and hot. so is passion. the colors can fade to pink and be pretty or maybe purple. [i, really am not sure what i'm on about being as damn beyond knackered as i am atm. it's 2:30 a.m. and i've been up since.............between 1 and 2 yesterday p.m.].