april 25, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 27, 2014, 10:55 p.m.
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'>.......understand. 'you need to be ok w/ that', what to say/not say. what helps/doesn't. and the dream being not 'just a dream'.
So. I don't understand this but have a guess. For the past.......... I'd say 2 weeks, I've been having flashbacks. Mainly at my place. Last weekend [the 14th, 15th] I was up at James' and didn't have them. I had this inkling of them.........but............so i kept expecting them to come and they.didn't.
I've a feeling what's been triggering them. See, 2 yrs this August 25 [the coming one], it'll be 2 yrs. and that's.in. 3 months [May June July]. so i mean it makes sense.
I guess, maybe that's the only thing. that's triggering the flashbacks. I just, idinno. forget.that.
- oh so talking about that. He said something about 'penetration'. i've mentioned this to him, that it.triggers me. It's like the word 'secluded'.
- We were talking about sex. this morning round 4 a.m., or something. and he was saying how they sell condoms at King's. i told him the story of how the 2nd guy and i'd gone to King's [it was like.11 p.m. at the time] to get stuff but he didn't go in w/ me. And James is like 'well i'd go in w/ you'. hell he'd go in w/ me if I needed to buy tampons! But - now, I didn't know this untill it was brought up - yeah, apparently. that triggers me. buying BC at some random dark hour. And for awhile after the BC aisle of King's triggered me.
And on that note...........uh.........................m..............umumum. He said, in response to my triggers, 'you need to be ok w/ that'. yeah and eventually I will. But, idinno. that bothered me. kinda surprised me too. I just......... w/ my PTSD and the re and recovery and all that. it's much better not to say anything. Or, really. to ask. To be like, 'hey what's goin on w/ you' or 'what's going through your head right now'. or. 'you're not making any/much sense. why? are you scared? angry?'. or just to not say anything other than 'cmere hun' or 'i'm so sorry you're hurting'.
It's a very delicate situation. and pretty damn big too.
See I hate this. it's so.damn.frustrating. I hate knowing that bc I was red people have to be even more careful w/ me. And for once my expectations aren't too high. For once it's not me it's the fukin situation. It's what happened to me.
I mean, I don't want them not to be. no cause that would make it worse. But why? what the hell makes me so different? I don't want to be. I don't want to be known as 'the girl who was red'. ya know?
No but see I'm a woman. i couldn't make them listen then.......fuk i didn't know! No see that's exactly it is I didn't.know. Could I have made different choices? well sure but couldn't we all. yeah. It's like, ok, at the store if you decide to buy the cake instead of the fruit, which you know is much better for ya. do you still not deserve that wonderful yummy cake? [i'm having a moment right now]. yes. Yeah the fruit's better but you still want the cake.
ok so that whole above paragraph. didn't make as much sense as I was hoping.
I'm so.angry about it too. i mean it's bloody awful it really is. anyone can tell ya that.
Ever since earlier this yr [by which i mean the school yr not the.actual yr] when I found out. ................. I decided I wasn't going to be quiet about it. and so I went to karaoke - i realise i'm veering OT here - and made noise that way. and then. met James and all that happened.
so I haven't been to karaoke in. today it'll be a month. I just, haven't felt well. and also w/ the weather being nice i've wanted to go out but not there. so we've stayed in. which. of course i realise isn't going out.
And maybe that's part of it. You know when I was there I was making music. I was performing. I was out there and bold and big. and, in the beginning I was doing rock songs. and that was great.nice. I could make noise.
i still can. just quietly. differently.
god i miss rock.
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So, as to not veer more OT. er. You know, I've been meaning to type up a list for him. as to. er. what helps/doesn't help*.
And lastly. Frankly I'm a bit hurt. bc.........................when. i told him about the dream/s, he's like 'it's just a dream'. Yeah but see it's not. it's something that's actually happened to me. And that makes me feel like it doesn't matter. like oh, i wasn't red. like oh, it's not that big.
which makes me feel like. er. reminds me of when I was 17 - although. again at the time I hadn't put 2 and 2 together hadn't/didn't make the connection - and everyone was talking to my dad. they were talking around me and not to me.
and i don't want them from him. i want him to be, you know. here and present
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