april 27, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'and. [here's] what scares me the most.

So, obviously I've been researching this quite a bit. All I have for the cause is that there's a genetic component and it can can be linked to birth complications. I was doing more research last night/this morning and kept coming up w/ the same thing. So I stopped cause I was getting so frustrated.

I was in the tub for a shorter period of time today cause. I don't like 'the circus room' as I referred to it. My bathroom. W/ its circus wallpaper. And just for that reason I don't like it. And no I won't change it. and no I won't detail why.

Ya know. W/ PTSD or depression or...........w/e else I have - ok which. really, is clinical anxiety - at least that's one thing. er rather 3 seperate things. It's not 'this + this = that' [schizophrenia + depression, basically]. And I already have depression. dear god what next.

Yes all those 3 coexist but seperately.

James' family has mental disorders. er.........sry that wasn't clear. I meant it runs in the family. they. w/e. So it's not like it's new to him. or anything. And that's why it wasn't as bad as it could've been when I told him last night at midnight 30. or, half past. and I was so glad I told him and it felt so good to.too.

Here's what scares me the most about this: the mania. And no I won't go into why.