may 7, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'We're still together. I phoned him and told him and we talked about it. Which to be honest I didn't really want to do. I was thinking, I'd phone him, leave a voicemail and that would be it. Maybe he'd phone me. and maybe........maybe I'd pick up. And maybe I'd get upset. and i'd be all sorry.

No. I still don't want that. I want it to be 'ok this is it I'm not talking to you'. he asked if I really wanted um.him out of my life. Yeah sometimes.........to be perfectly honest. Call it morbid curiousity. idinno maybe i'm weird that way.

And not just a break. I'd get tired of taking breaks. I want something permanent I don't want on again off again. I've had that. just, not w/ someone like him.

He asked if we were ok............well yeah we're 'ok. we're not, you know. great. but we're not terrible either. we're in the middle.

Yeah ok maybe I'm weird in wanting him to be angry. cause yeah, i actually want to be hurt. esp. sexually. idk i kinda have a thing for S&M. i know he doesn't want to hurt me but what if at least sexually i want him to?

there's a fine line between pleasure and pain. and sometimes it's both.

yeah but i only want him out if he'll come back in again.