may 9, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'and PTSD. and. 'there must be more than this provincial life'.

Oh here we go. So................while over at the parents' my mom talks to me about SSI. which leads to a discussion about sex. I guess apparently every year they the SSI people. they make sure you're up to date or something like that.

Ok so. I have this. conditon.type.thing [that's the most comfortable way of putting it, for me. Please Don't Ask]] where. in the event I get pregnant [which btw could've happened 2x] there's a 50% chance the baby would be.um. ..............have Asperger's or Down's or something.

My mom was telling me that she knew this really nice dr. lady who I could talk to about BC [Birth Control] options. I've told my mom when she's brought this up over the past month or so, that if I need anything I'll let her know. which is basically my way of, honestly, cutting her off. I know she cares and loves me but quite honestly, much as I love her, discussing sex w/ my own mother is. very very weird. I'm honest w/ her but at the same time I also withold.

As I do when talking to her about most things.

I have a plan. I don't know if James knows specifically what it is. When we do have sex we'll use protection. And have Plan B. I've - yes to be honest - looked up abortions online, and they cost. a lot. I hate hate hate that option. But if it happens that is the best one. I've read it changes you physically/emotionally and I wouldn't want my parents to know about that. I'm not saying women shouldn't. I'm saying. I don't want to be one of them. And I also don't want to be pregnant.

I've told my mom that I don't plan on becoming. pregnant. Well sometimes women don't exactly plan on it. I was going to make that argument today but realised my mom would make the same point.

Yeah I know. James & I've done stuff but we haven't done that. had sex. Not..........in the traditional sense, anyway.

My mom told me that I shouldn't have children. oh dear god wow. That's like saying, even if you adopt. even if someone's your surrogate. or something. You still shouldn't have them.

In the traditional sense ok yeah I get it. But that's like saying I'd make a bad mom. Now, ok so 2 things. A: I don't know if I'd actually physically be able to bc of my anorexia and all that and 2: sure I'm not sure what kindof mom I'd make. to be honest. But don't ever tell me that.

Thing is........this goes back to high school when my mom inferred she didn't care what I did w/ my life/inferred I was a wh*. That was the year I was also red. and now you want me to talk to you about sex. uh.............wow ok then.

I love her but my god.

I'm not ready for kids. No god no. Oh and if anyone's wondering no I'm not pregnant. I want sex not kids. [well yeah and that;s her whole point]. Yeah but I want this to be my decision and for her to not keep bringing it up. But she won't bc she's my mom. And I don't care to hear more about that.

Of course I want sex. have since I was 22.

If you're going to tell me something that hurts me then I won't want to talk to you. Or I'll be less compassionate. Less willing to listen to you. You want me to listen you have to appeal to my sense of compassion.

Now I'm not the best person either. But I'm working on that more than ever right now.

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PTSD/'there must be more than this provincial life'