may 28, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'So...............sososo.

Um. The other day James unintentionally triggered.me. and no that's not related to PTSD. he said something about .......er. rather. He said something that reminded me of what happened when I was little.

And I told him this and I think I think. he's like 'ok so I know this will probably sound really mean but. get over it'. Ok so..........firstoff. Wow. and B: ya know what? Much as I don't want to admit it. He's right. I've thought the same thing about myself. actually. like 'shouldn't I be over this by now?'.

Yeah I, well. 'should'. But I wasn't ready to face it. deal w/ it.

And it's like. I can think that about myself. You can't. I don't want you thinking that about me. [yes but maybe you need someone to]. And I feel like. in order to deal w/ it............  I have to write about it. which I can't do untill I write about the other. stuff. There are quite a few things on my list. A: the whole...........   'downtown guy'/being fascinated by the sex industry. thing. 2: my sister's coke addiction. C: stuff from my past.

I haven't even gotten to the first thing yet.

i guess. all these yrs. it has been controlling me. That's why, all this time, I've been wanting to of* myself. bc. of what they said. how they made me feel. Bc if I'm not here then they can't get to me.

Here's the interesting thing: they're not even in my life anymore. and they haven't been for yrs.

.................4: my dad's accidents.

And so I was telling him the other night.that. Sometimes I just wanted him to listen and he's like 'yeah but don't you see how bad that is?'. I don't get why though. Once he gives me his opinion I might not agree w/ it but then I'll understand it better. and then I can be like 'ok well I see your point but I'll still stick to mine'.

do i really want to understand if it's going to end up hurting me though. want, to no. but need to. uh. yes.

i'm confused.

or, ya know. maybe that's just an excuse. to not deal w/ things. if i really wanted to be better then i'd try harder.