june 13, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'Currently: 5 a.m

Currently Spinning: Heroin Diaries

So over the past few days I was hungover. I drank.........   last Wed., then Fri. then Mon. the day before yesterday. I got wasted Wed. not my bad and Mon. Wed. it was off malibu, coke & whiskey and a shot of. something. Fri. I had 3 malibus at the show at the bar. And then cut myself off.  Just as I did last Wed. and the one before.

It's so much easier to do that at the bar than not.

And then fukin early Monday morning..........off a shot of SoCo and half a bottle of vermouth w/ cherry coke. yeah as you can imagine I had a bitch of a hangover after that. That was all the SoCo I had left. I love SoCo that shit is good but it'll fuk you up without you even realising it. that's how I got so drunk Xmas night. and i don't remember the next day. i mean the one after Xmas.

We were talking and he's like 'please don't start drinking heavily'. um........over the end of the- this coming - weekend I plan to finish the vermouth. And then have malibus the following Wed. the 20th. And then just drink weekly, which isn't so bad. it's just............the waiting to get there. I don't want to wait. And frankly, figuretively speaking I don't want to slow down. either. But I need to otherwise I will crash.

In a weird very weird way me having just half a bottle of vermouth at my place is actually a good thing. cause it means I'll, as said. only drink weekly.

I know why he said that. I know exactly why. cause if I start drinking heavily then there'll be fights and I'll want to break up w/ him and not talk to him. I'm not very nice when I drink bi-weekly. And I think people have said things they haven't. and there's an endless stream of hangovers and becoming more emotional and withdrawl and sobriety and wanting and being sick.ness. I'm again astonished I'm still here.

I just wonder how much he's willing to put up w/. I mean honestly. We've been here before. and it wasn't good. it's not good for him and it's not good for me and. it's not good for us.

The sad thing is the hangovers slow me down. other things do too but they don't have that big of an impact. Every time I get like this I get really scared that we're not as solid as I think. And then I get scared that something's going to happen to us. And it just rolls right off him. I don't want him to leave me - and. really. i don't want to leave him either - I just want him to see how bad things are for me. But he can't if I don't let him. And I don't let him for 2 reasons. 1: his lack of compassion which, really isn't his fault and B: if I do we'll fight. So that's my newest tactic. I don't bring things up and...........so...........we don't fight.

um.

there was more. which i've now forgotten