july 11, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>.......you' back anymore?"

Yes. I know.

So once again we're having issues. Bc of stuff he's said. Bc I won't talk. Bc he makes me feel insecure.lately. now this is a new development.

Lindsey never made me feel insecure. Sure she annoyed the hell out of me.......where it got to the point of frustration. She's the reason I started drinking. she was my hell and my bliss. ya know? and omygod I miss that. The last time we talked was almost a yr ago. I don't have her # anymore [the phone people effed that up] and good thing too. or else I'd fall back into that.

This is the first time he's made me feel insecure. Ever. I'm supposed to be his queen. not happy. and not cool or right either. well. actually. This is the first time it's gotten to that level.

And honestly. It puts up a warning for me. I had so much of that from Jacob and crap it was awful. And dark too. I don't want to go back to that. I thought I'd finally found a guy who for once didn't make me feel that way. And yeah maybe I did.........

I don't like that it's turning into a 'then'. A guy whose queen you are. you shouldn't ever feel insecure bc of him. No. It's just...........er.......like.......  'oh god this brings me back'. Back to a place I thought I was done w/.

Even before when I was going through shit I always told him I loved him. And lately I.um. haven't been. I don't want to tell him why bc it'll make it worse.

We've had issues before. But. this is different.